This is what I feel like the "healing" is for me.  I shared this photo with the High Level Aphasia group.  Many times it seems like I'm not getting anywhere - like with the figuring of addition and subtracting fractions.  BUT just when I think I can't do it - it comes to me (now it took a long time but it did come).  I know the doctor's and Sunlife check up until 2 years after the stroke, but it will take me longer to get back to what I was (and even then...who knows if I will get back to the same person I was before).

I am not the same person anymore - I have a brain injury now and it's very different!  I am really comfortable in my own skin and I don't like to have a lot of people around me.  That's different than before the stroke (BS as I like to call it 😉).  Even with me writing this blog, some people that I knew BS, don't want to read it.  I think it's because if they read it, they will have to admit that there is something "wrong" with me and that makes them uncomfortable.  It's okay though, because I can't "control them" or what they think of me now.

It will change my life forever.  I'm trying to accept that what ever comes my way...I will be fine (at least I keep telling myself that).  I don't like having a lot of people around me and I really don't like to call attention to myself.  In the summer, I like to sit outside (on the deck) and read.  When Richard comes home, we eat outside (when the weather is nice) and then watch television or I read some more.  It's quite wonderful!

I know I have spoken about going to Switzerland, to the wedding in Ontario (about four months after the stroke) and then we went to Anaheim this last January.  I really want to say, it was wonderful going but it is quite stressful when I have to go anywhere.  We have another wedding in August in London (UK 😕) and I am really not looking forward to it.  I must say though, I am looking forward to seeing the family and such but it will be very stressful again and it makes me feel very self-conscious with talking and stuff.  Even with everyone "helping" me to get there and trying to make me feel comfortable - well you know.  I just don't like all the strangeness when talking to new people and I ALWAYS tell whoever that I had a stroke so they know there are some things that it takes me a while to figure out.

I have to say one thing though, the family and the extended family 💞 have been (and will continue to be) WONDERFUL!!!  They are very helpful when I have to travel and they always ask if I'm doing alright or if I need to rest a bit or whatever.

It still frustrates me because I can't do the things I could before the stroke 😞), and that isn't changing, at least in the near future.  So I have to manage with it and ASK when I don't understand something and I also have to ask the people around me (whether they are family, friends or strangers) when I need help.

(June 4 - 11, 2015)

So after I was admitted to the hospital (I'd say about the 2nd or 3rd week), Richard brought my I-pad and my I-phone to me.  He brought the I-pad for me to start reading books on it (I have my Kindle app) and Richard also downloaded "Drop Dead Diva" for me to watch.  He also brought me the phone in case I wanted to call any body.

Weeeeeeellllllll, can I just say, Richard had to take the security password off both of them, because I couldn't remember them because of the stroke.  I tried and tried, but the digits weren't coming back to me.  So once that was done, well another problem happened, I was looking through my texts on the phone and I couldn't remember over half of the people, where I knew them from or anything.  So I just put the I-phone away.  Also, I couldn't talk very well, so I didn't want to talk to people unless I could sit face-to-face so they could see me.

The I-pad was a really good relief because at the time, I had maybe 1 hour of therapy every second day so I had a lot of time to kill 😀.  I have to say though, I had to go over and over the episodes that I watched because it took me a lot of time to understand and digest what I had just watched.

Reading was terrible for the first 5 or 6 weeks after the stroke.  I had to have it extremely quiet because I couldn't focus on what I was reading if there was any kind of distraction to me.  Even when I started to read, it was like going back to the start of my reading "career" because again, I had to read things very slowly so I could understand the words and what was going on in the story.  Even now, I have to revert back to a dictionary quite often to look up words that I can't pronounce and to see what they mean.

That was and is probably one of the most frustrating things on a daily basis.  I read a number of books before the stroke and after, oh my goodness, it was so different now.  Before when I read, you know I could read a book probably every week, some times two books in a week.  Now it may take me up to two or three weeks to read just one book.  Even now, sometimes when I go to purchase another book that I've seen (one good thing about Kindle 😏), it will tell me if I have already purchase the book.  It's amazing but quite often now I don't remember reading the book so I go back to the Kindle and read it again.

The I-phone, well I've gotten better with it 😊.  But there are still some people that I can't remember but that's ok, I guess it will come back to me as I go through this process.  I use the Contact Names, I use the Calendar (a lot with all the therapies going on right now) and I use the Notes when I go to the Aphasia group with the notes I have to talk about.  I'm hoping that eventually the words will come to mind and I don't have to keep everything written down, but for now, it's how it has to be!

And to anyone out there, the other thing I did when I got home, was I purchased a "password" book so that I could write down all the passwords for anything on the computer (like Facebook, I-phone, I-pad, Pinterest, Google and everything else) just in case, you know?

I have traveled past this sign a few times over the past couple of weeks.  Now I know it is about speeding but there are a number of reasons a person can suffer a brain injury:  stroke or a heart attack can cause it, you can trip and fall and bump your head (it would have to be quite a bump though), skateboarding, a car accident (without speeding), skiing with a bad tumble, and I'm sure there are others that I can't think of right now.

I know, I have said it before, I have come a long way since my stroke, but there is still so much to learn again to even get back to half the skill I used to have.  I'm still trying to learn fractions, and that was really very simple to me before I had the stroke, typing and even printing takes a lot out of me because the right hand side is weak and I can't print or write very much because it makes me tired and I have to think did I use the right word to describe something.

If anyone had told me before the stroke, that I would have so much trouble trying to get back to where I used to be, I would have thought you were crazy.  I really don't like speaking very much to anyone, and only when I HAVE to.  I used to be the "life of the party" but now it is difficult and quite often I can't contribute "fast enough" so I just sit back and listen.  I don't like to go out with friends or even family, because again, it makes me tired trying to think of things to say and did I say them right.

I used to travel for work and for recreation, but it really takes an effort because I can get lost if I am traveling by myself and I don't like to hold people up but now I have hold them up because I can't get around as well.  It is very frustrating!  I don't even like to go to movies any more because people talking around me can often make me miss something in the movie and then I have to think about what I've missed.

As I sit here right now, I like it, because there is no one home right now and I can think about what I want to type without anyone rushing me and there isn't any background noise to distract me.  I can think of a lot of reason's from "before the stroke" but the one thing the stroke has taught me is that everyone should be patient and kind to other people - because not everyone can think like you do or do things as quickly as you can and you just never know why.

(June 1-7, 2015)

I went for a couple of tests this week to find out why I had the stroke.

First, can I just say, anyone who has been in the hospital for something like child birth or has some paralysis of some kind - it's really rough.  You have to rely on everyone around you, I mean EVERYONE.  When I think back now, I don't know how I came through it.  Mainly I think it's because you don't know, at the time, that you're not "normal", everything seems normal to you.

I had to wear a diaper (I know, GROSS!), because I couldn't get up and I couldn't feel when I had to pee (part of the paralysis).  Even eating - I couldn't "operate" the fork or spoon to feed myself.  I couldn't shower without the nurse's help (basically I sat in a wheelchair and the nurse would shower me).

That first weekend, my cousin Michelle, and my friend Sonia (she flew up from Texas to make sure I was okay), family and my bosses from work were there too.  Again, Sonia was crying when she first got to the hospital room (again, I didn't know "why").  Richard called Michelle after I had the stroke, and she was crying at work (we talked about it the weekend of March 26, 2017).  Something I can't comment on because I didn't "know" what was going on.

It's weird, but I remember when Keven and Tami (from Accliamed) were there.  Tami brought my paperwork for unemployment insurance and I remember thinking "well that's dumb, because I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks".  If I only knew!  Even now, two year's after, I still have a lot to do to get back to where I can do the things that I used to do before the stroke.  I guess the mind and body know what is best for me because again, all I wanted to do was sleep and recover.

At that time, my Auntie Joy, was in the hospital too - she had cancer.  Even though she was going through her own pain, she and I got to visit each other when someone could wheel my chair down to see her.  Auntie Joy was on the 4th floor too, just in a different section of the hospital.  My brother Keith came down to see me too (he and I are not that close) but he came when I had a test the next day, and I wasn't do very well because of the test.  When Keith came into my room, he came over the hug me and I started bawling.  It took me a while to compose myself.

I have to say, my friend Pam (Wood) Thompson, came to see me as well. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, but she came when she heard the news.  I also have to say, Pam is hilarious!!!  She knew just what to say to make me laugh when I needed it.  I can never repay her for the times she came to visit me at the Grey Nun's and the Glenrose!  I needed Pam to keep my spirits up!

The Chaplain, Brian Greenwood, came to talk to me at the Grey Nun's.  We were talking, while he was talking he said "oh you're Rae" and he made an "X" with his arms (it was something back in the day that my friend's used to do).  I felt bad because I knew I should know him from somewhere but I couldn't remember where from.  Again, it was something I couldn't remember no matter how I tried because of the stroke.  Now, I can remember, I was friends with Karen and Brian (I actually was the Guest Book attendant at their  wedding).  It bothers me a bit now, because I couldn't remember him when he came to talk to me.

#stroke #brain injury #greynuns