It has been a little while since I wrote about my therapy and all the things that go with it. The past couple of weeks I have been talking to my therapist, Megan, about what I am capable of and what I want to do for a job when I finally get the doctors note that I can go back to work. It’s difficult because the reality is, I can’t do most of the things that I could before the stroke. Even when I am cooking or baking I have to really THINK about getting the oven mitts so I can take a casserole out of the oven because I don’t feel pain right away. There is something with my brain that I can’t process it until later in the day (that is part of the brain injury I have to accept). If I cut myself, it’s the same thing, I don’t feel it right away and that’s a scary thing.

All the questions about math and fractions, I am only at a grade 4 or 5 level. I can’t even make change in my head without really thinking about it for a minute or two. So right now, I can’t even imagine going back to work as an operations manager. It take me a while to just type out things, then I have to re-read them and I have to check that I spelled the words the right way and I have to make sure I am using the right words.

It’s weird because anyone who sees me face to face doesn’t see anything different. I still look the same, I don’t have a limp or an obvious disability but I can’t write very well and if you talk to me, you will realize there is something with my speech and if I talk to you later in the day, I mostly say “um-hum” or yes or no answers because later in the day I am getting tired and can’t think about the words I want to say.

It’s a reality that I have to face every day now since the stroke. There are a number of things that I am getting slowly back but I have to realize that there are many things (typing, words, cooking just to name a few) that I have to look at a different way and really think about them before I do them.

I guess what I am asking all of you, is to take into consideration when you think a person is slow or they can’t do math as well as you can or that they can’t find the words like you can – don’t forget you don’t know what the person is feeling or thinking about and you don’t know that they haven’t had a brain injury that you can’t see just by looking at them.

Well it has almost (one day more) since I have had my stroke. There are a lot of things I can’t do very well since I’ve had the stroke BUT when I think about how far I’ve come there are a lot of things I can be grateful for…

I am grateful that God brought me through the stroke without a whole lot of time spend in the hospital;

I am grateful that Richard was home when I had the stroke and got me to the hospital in a timely fashion;

I am grateful that the nurses and doctors knew that I was having a stroke and gave me the stroke medication within an hour of knowing I was having the stroke;

I am grateful that my husband Richard, and my kids Zachary, Aaron and Kennedy were so resilient while I was in the hospital and they just kept on going with their daily lives;

I am grateful that I have my family and friends to support me when I need them;

I am grateful for the friends and family who drove me around when I didn’t have my license after the stroke;

I am grateful I can drive now myself since I got my licence back;

I am grateful that I had a brain injury so that I could be patient with others who have brain injuries;

I am grateful that I am learning to use the right hand side since I couldn’t use it right after the stroke;

I am grateful that I can type (even though it’s very slow right now);

I am grateful that I can play the piano (again, it is very slow right now but I am getting better at it);

I am grateful that even though I can’t go back to work right now, but I am getting better at all the things I need to get me back to work…hopefully;

I am grateful I was able to go to Kitchener to see Sean and Sarah married;

I am grateful that I was able to go to California and to Houston on a plane.

I am sure there are a lot of things I am grateful for but these ones are at the top of the list.

This post isn’t a rant or a poor me post either, but it’s a realization that I have come to and I think it will help me in the long run in my recovery from my stroke.

Almost a year ago I had the stroke. You can read about it on here because Richard posted about it and then I gradually got better and I posted some things too. I was thinking about the stroke and what it means to have a brain injury. I don’t think many people know that is what I have – a brain injury. I look the same (as people have told me), I talk the same (because I don’t talk too much outside of family or close friends because they know what I am struggling with) and I act the same. But there is a lot of things that aren’t the same.

The brain is a wonderful thing but when you suffer from a stroke, or an accident, aneurysm or even if you fall and knock yourself out then the brain has to relearn things a new way. Sometimes I may not seem clear because I can’t get my brain to say things or do things that I would have before the stroke. One thing that is painfully clear is that I have to be careful when I am in the kitchen cooking. I cut my finger when I was putting a bagel in the toaster. I didn’t even know I cut it because the pain receptors didn’t “flash” because I had the stroke. I got out the margarine to put on the bagel and touched my finger and then noticed something “wet” on it. It was bleeding and I couldn’t feel it. I also burnt my finger and again I couldn’t feel that it was burned.

I cry sometimes when I don’t even know why I am crying. And I laugh when I don’t know what I am laughing at. That’s what the brain injury means now. I can’t type very well, well not like I could before the stroke. And I have to look at the keys to make sure I have my fingers on the right keys. I have to use spell and grammar check because sometime I don’t remember how to spell.

I think probably the most frustrating thing about all of this is Sun Life called about once a month to check and see if I can return to work. Darlene from Sun Life doesn’t have a clue what I go through with 3 different therapies and the homework I am doing as well to make sure I can get back to work. I have long term disability payments until September of 2017. LONG TERM means I can take the time to learn all the skills that I need to get back to work but with the brain injury it may take a long time to get there. I can focus on Sun Life though because I have a lot to focus on with the therapy. But I do wish they would get people and Sun Life who have disabilities and can focus on what can they do to make it easier to get back to work. Whether it be 1 month or 2 years (sometimes I don’t even know if I will ever get back to “normal”).

One thing I would encourage everyone who reads this is that if they can get onto Netflix they should watch a documentary title My Beautiful Broken Brain. I watched it and I even recommended to my Memory Group and my Aphasia Group to watch it. It will explain a lot of what I am going through and what a lot of people who have a brain injury go through.

Changes…that’s what I’m about…well that’s what life is about too. The other day I wrote about aphasia, what it is, how I am dealing with it and what it means to others dealing with it and where you go from here when you have it (or to simply explain what it is).

Life does change all the time, sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen (trust me there has been good and bad over the past year). I think the most important thing to keep in mind is to tell people when you have some good news to tell them but it is also just as important to share the bad times with them, so you won’t feel alone or that you don’t have anyone to talk to.

It was important to me to share about what I have been feeling the last couple of weeks because it did feel like a hit a bit of a roadblock. That’s not to say that I have come far in the past 9 months but I wanted everyone to know I have come a long way but I still have a long way to go, and I may not be able to get back to where I was. And that’s ok too. It’s the changes I am going to make through this journey and how I approach them which are going to make the difference.

I like Pam's comment with her post “how do you eat an elephant…one bite at a time”! I want to say I love all of you who have come with me so far…and we will have to see what comes next!! (It helps to type it because I can’t always say what’s on my mind or verbalize it, although it takes me a looooooong time to type it these days also…another thing I have to work on!)

Today I went to my one on one therapy and then to my group therapy. It's my group therapy that was interesting today. Not that one in one therapy isn't interesting but my group therapy, Higher Level Aphasia, offered to me interesting feedback that I'm not sure is helpful or just acknowledges what I'm beginning to understand myself.

Aphasia can't be cure. That's all I have to say about it. There is no drug or surgery that can cure aphasia. The only thing I can do is use my remaining language ability or the class and teacher can help me overcome the communication problems. Hmmmmm.

What it mean's to me will be, I may never get back to the same way I used to be. It's not a big deal when talking among my family members or speak very hesitantly because I have to think about what I want to say. But it will impact me professionally and what I can anticipate as far as what I can do. I may not be able to talk on the phone to clients, I may not be able to participate in meetings because I can't think of what I want to say or the moment goes by too fast for me to get my head around it.

I'm not fast enough to speak to my old boss or my existing boss, or old co-workers without them waiting for me to find the right words or I simply say "uh huh" because I can't manage the things I would like to say. I do feel bad because I know they are waiting on me to respond or to say something funny or to share a thought.

It's frustrating to me not to speak or taking so long to think if I should even try to speak because it takes too long to figure out the words and if I can say it clearly. I'm not too sure.

The one thing I do know, is that it likely will never get back to where I thought it would be.

Finishing some homework from last week's therapy - finding words in sentences, subjects and thinking of what I did last week to share with the group.

Things still take a while (naming different types of metals) but some things are coming quickly to mind (pieces of furniture).

I need to spend a lot of time typing (speed and accuracy and spelling mistakes) but it is coming back. I'm not sure I will be as fast as I was (but who needs to be that fast at my age 😏).

Also need to work on my writing but most of my "writing" was type written but still need to practice. But a lot of things are coming back and that's a good thing for sure!

Nine months ago I had a stroke and life changed for me and my whole family. Keep in mind, that I didn't know what was really going on (in my head things were normal). Much to my surprise, I lost my right side mobility, I couldn't say anything but "hi ya" and couldn't even hold a pen, brush or anything like that.

It has been a long road, and I want to thank everyone that has supported me, but also need to say, there's a long way to go.

I can't do basic math without a calculator and figuring it out. English skills are very limited right now because it takes me some time to figure out what I want to say. Discussions with Richard and the kids are time consuming because I can't speak fast, and in this day and age, you have to speak quickly to get your point across.

I'm not comfortable to travel alone, because I can get lost in the airport not to mention I am quite slow since the stroke. I used to be a property manager for almost 20 years, so much of the job is communication and budgets and site visits, I know there is no way today I could even touch the job I used to do.

People say I am more quiet today than before, that's because I have to think about what I'm going to say and how it will come across. Richard says I seem angry sometimes but I'm not, the emotions are disconnected at times. It feels like I have no emotion but at other times the emotions are very extreme.

I used to love music, now I can't even have the radio on because it clutters my thinking. Piano - guess not - I can't formulate the notes to make sense.

There is a lot to do before I am even part way to what I used to be, and the reality is, I may never get back to 100%, so I will continue to go to therapy and do the very best that I can, and hopefully I will get there (or as close to it) as I can.

Aphasia- (uh fay' zhuh) affects the ability to use language.

May find it difficult to:

Speak
Read
Write
Understand speech

I didn't know what it meant before the stroke 😃. It looks like this will take some time to work through it and find other techniques to help me.