Keep Going...

Well, I think this quote says it all!  It has been definitely a struggle over the past few months.  I'm not really sure what I should do for a job (I've been looking but I am being very careful about what I apply on because the last positions, well they really were the right fit for me).  If something turns up, that would be excellent but I'm going to wait until the RIGHT position comes along!

I am still volunteering with the Edmonton Humane Society is great, but it's 20 - 30 minutes away, so I don't want to go there everyday (and The Joe is here at home and he's not getting younger so I want to spend time with him).  I have noticed or I am more careful about different things that I can't do for them, like work the adoption desk 😉, because I would come home with a few (like 10 or more) dogs with me!  Oh, and here is my "plug" - if you are thinking about getting a dog or cat, I would HIGHLY recommend going to a shelter to find one (a dog or a cat or both 😉) - there are so many pets out there that are searching for their furever home!

I did get some information about working as a volunteer with the Stroke Mentor-ship program but I don't believe I'm going to work with that particular program (right now) - simply because of my up and down moods about my recovery.  So, I'm going to think about this position some more before I decide about it.  I did apply for a volunteer position with the Grey Nun's.  Now I have to wait while they check my references and while I receive my immunization records (who knew because of my age, they would be on microfish 😲).  There are a lot of options but the two I am interested in are Child Health Clinic or with the Dialysis Unit (I am thinking it will be the child's health clinic because that is where my heart lies 💗)!  So that is something new for me to think about - once I am approved (hopefully), I'll let you know how it's going!

My parent's have moved back to Edmonton (my dad is 88 year's young and my mom is 85 year's young).  They are getting older and I believe it was better for them to live here where all their kids, grandchildren (well except for Kennedy) and great-grand children are.  They are living in a retirement home that is close to where I am, so I can just pop over anytime to visit with them.

I have to say, it is much easier in the spring and summer, to battle the depression because it's warmer and most days, it is sunny and there is more for me to do.  When it rains, ugh, I have to really fight with myself so that I don't think negatively about what is going on!  I'm staying positive for the most part, so hopefully, the majority of the depression is gone.  There are something's that some people may do or say, that I don't agree with them but I have to remember everyone has different opinions, and whether I agree with them or not, they have the right to have them.  The other thing, is since I've had the stroke, I can't articulate how I am feeling or what I am thinking, so quite often I don't disagree with them.  I'd like everyone to know, sometimes it's better to NOT say something 😏, as hard as that may be to do!   I must say though, it definitely does help with the blog and the feedback I have received is really incredible - so thank you to all of you who read this every time I have something to say - whether it's positive or negative!

Left Brain, Right Brain and Everything in Between

I was looking at some pictures on the Internet, and what happens when you have a stroke - which part of the brain takes care of things.  I had the stroke on the left hemisphere of my brain, which explains a lot of the issues I now have.

Sometimes, I wish, I would have had the stroke on the "right side" of my brain 😉 because it would have made it a bit easier for me.  The right side produces dreams, responsible for musicality (not such a big deal), drawing pictures (again, not a big deal to me 😏), and creates emotion (I'm not going to say it, those who know me, will laugh as well).  There are other things, and you can read them if you'd like.

The core of who and what I am, is represented by the left hemisphere - those who know me, can attest to that.  The left side controls language skills, speech, memorizing facts and names, reading and writing abilities, and controls science and math capabilities.  WOW!!!!  All of these things are me (or used to be, before I had the stroke).  So this is why it is so difficult for me to get back to the things I was good at, before I had the stroke!  (Or even half of what I was good at before I had the stroke 😮.)

Now, I am trying to look on the bright side (and it's a struggle these days as I have said in previous postings of my blog).  If I would have had the right side of my brain impacted - I'm not sure if I could drive anymore, I might have been in a wheel chair or would have to use a walker full-time, and it would be difficult to judge where I am in relation to spatial orientation, and I would be challenged with multi-tasking and parallel processing information.  Okay, so maybe it would have been so good either!

Having said all this and the issues I have had with depression and everything, it might help me to take sometime away from social media, just to get my "head" back in the game (and with the beginning of Lent starting - it might be a good thing for me)!  It can't hurt, at least, and eventually I'll be back!

There are a few things in the next couple of weeks; I have a volunteer training session at the Edmonton Humane Society, to volunteer with the animals; and there is an educational assistant information session, with the EPSB, so I'm going to check it out to see if that is an opportunity that I want to explore.  Also, I have put in an application for volunteer work at the Grey Nun's Hospital that I am waiting to hear back from.  Oh, and I still have to get a hold of the BIS Toastmasters to find out which Thursdays they meet, because it would definitely help me with the oral communication.  There is a bit going on, so we will see what happens!

I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while, because I really didn't feel like sharing (or anything really).  It's the New Year and I'm not sure that this has anything to do with it, or maybe it's the fact that Bell Let's Talk has gone by - but I'm suffering from depression.  There is no really other way to explain it.

Now before everyone bombards me with "gee you should be happy, you survived"; "look how far you've come"; "we love you any way you are" or whatever else you can think of.  People have the misconception that if something's wrong - you don't talk about it, you figure it out on your own and move on.  It isn't as easy as that.  Now I also realize that there are many, many others who have depression worse that me.  I also know there are mental health problems that I know NOTHING about, but I want to say - depression and all the other mental health issues are REAL.  No amount of "doing it on your own" will make it go away - you have to talk to someone.  It maybe family/friends, a doctor, psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But everyone has to know - it is real!!

Over the past month or two, I have often thought "maybe it would have been better, had I not survived the stroke".  I don't want anyone to comment on this - I am NOT going to harm myself - I just want people to know this is what happens sometimes.  I can't find a job that I can do any more and it is really discouraging.  With all the work I've done - it just isn't enough.  Now I know, you can volunteer - sure except the same things happen if I do volunteer - I can't speak clearly, it's difficult for me to get out what I want/need to say, my English is awful and right now, my math skills are terrible, too.  Really, there's only so much house cleaning, walking the dog, and the various art projects I can do before it gets old.  I also do realize, it gets very tiring and cumbersome for my whole family to read this again and again.  So now, sometimes when we get together  - it's much easier for me to be "busy" fixing a meal or when they want to go out for a meal or to a concert, I send Richard out and I stay home because I don't feel like being around anyone.  I know, it is crappy for me to do this, but it is how it is.

I'm hoping that these feelings will pass, and I will get back to my old "positive" self but for now, this is what I am going through and I figured I'd let everyone know and this is the easiest way to do this.  Stay warm everybody...

Something to think about...

The Canadian Disability Tax Credit, WOW, who ever would have ever thought I (at the age of 51) would need this.  But that is what I did this week, I took it to my doctor to fill out so that Richard could apply for it on my behalf.  That is how much life has changed for me since I had the stroke.  I’m not going to go into all that because quite frankly, if your reading this, you already know and those who aren’t, well it doesn’t really matter to me.  Really, now I have to get used to THAT!

Now there are some good things (quite a few, actually) that have been going on as well.  I have an appointment with The Brain Centre with respect to my computer skills, hopefully they will be able to give me some “cheat sheets” that I can quickly look up things that I used to know in Word and Excel.  It is really difficult for me to “know” I used to be able to do something before the stroke but I can’t process step easily now.  I am still waiting for a callback from the Women’s Support Group at the Brain Centre but hopefully I should get a call in the next couple of weeks, it will definitely help me to get around people that have a brain injury and how they are coping with the difficulties now.

Another thing is that I have started a part-time, Accounts Payable Clerk position!  It really is nice to get back into the work-force.  Now, I definitely can’t go back to a full-time Property Manager, but this position will challenge me, and I have many years with budgets and all the stuff that goes with it, so I really think this is a great position for me right now.  The company is going to launch a new software system next month, and I’m looking forward to helping with that too.  I can only hope things will come back to me, although it may be slower that I’m used to…but that is okay with me, at least I am getting out there.

There are several things that I could be unhappy about, but I have to think ahead, and I would rather think of the “glass being half full” than thinking of the “glass being half empty”.  Also, there are a lot of things that haven’t changed, yes Allan Carr, I am sarcastic (when I choose to be) and really, I do love to laugh (at myself and others 😉) because life is really to short to do anything but look on the bright side!!

A New Position...

It's been about a couple of months now since I've written something here.   I did go to Houston to visit my friend, Sonia.  Also Ramona and Denise were there at the same time.  I was so very good to see all of them.  Ramona and Denise stayed for four days and I stayed for six days.  The weather was gorgeous and there were a lot of laughs while we were there.

I also did get a job with Veratis but before everyone get's all excited, I did give my notice for a couple of reasons, after about a month at it.  The first was I had to speak a lot the people and really that has changed since I've had my stroke.  It is very difficult at times, and with the problems I have finding words (yes, I even had a script to follow and I practiced it quite a lot), but really I couldn't get past it.  Also, I believe a different person would be better able to support the woman in charge.  But it was a good experience and I'm not going to find anything unless I get out there and try different jobs.

Now I started a part-time position with Raven Truck Accessories as an accounts payable clerk.  I believe this is the position for me...at least for now!!!  It is part-time, so I can keep seeing my therapist at the Glenrose; and I will also be able to go to The Brain Centre for some more courses.  I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm, which is perfect for me as well.  There isn't much telephone work, that is a good thing, again because I have a challenge with it sometimes.  They are getting a new software system in the beginning of May, and I will get all the training I need so I can be successful.  So wish me luck 😊.

There are things that are proving to be a bit of a challenge to me because of the stroke.  My language and math aren't where they used to be.  I know I have repeatedly told everyone on here, but it does frustrate me so very much.  I was looking on Pinterest and found the diagram at the start of this post.  These are the things I have trouble with and I will from now on.  Again, I think other people have a bit of trouble processing that I will never be the same person I was before I had the stroke, and that is very difficult for some people to get over.  But I can't help it, so I would hope that we can find some way for BOTH of us to adjust and continue on with this journey.

The one thing that this cartoon brought to my attention, was that I am aware of the deficits - sometimes I think it would have been "better" to have the stoke impact my Right CVA, because likely I wouldn't "know" about the deficits and really that would have it's advantage as well.  But you have to take was is dealt to you (I'm not going to get into THAT right now 😉).  But I am dealing with it, some times more positive that other times - but that's okay too!

Things Are Different Now

I have realized over the past couple of months, I have to accept life has changed for me (and for Richard Makarowski). It is coming up three years since I have had the stroke. When I think back, boy was I really quite silly to think, in a couple of weeks I'll be back the way I was before the stroke. I didn't realize (now you have to remember I couldn't walk, I couldn't get out more than a word or two and I couldn't even access my I-phone because I couldn't remember the password to unlock the screen), that it would take me this long to get back to some form or normalcy.

I really have to thank my family and friends for sticking by me (all of you), because I don't think I could have survived with out you. It is really difficult to say, but the past couple of months have been difficult because I really didn't want to talk to anyone and I certainly didn't want to have anyone over because I have change. I can't go back to the way I was before, because my mind doesn't work the same way. Gone are the days when I could figure out Excel spreadsheets, talk to people (because now I have to really think of the words I want to say), the typing is difficult because I really have to read the words to make sure they make sense. It has really changed everything for me.

I have to say thank you to Traci Camplin Christenson, because with out her, I wouldn't have been about to keep my Real Estate license, so THANK YOU 👍. I also have to thank the Makarowski's because without all of you, well I don't know what I would have done 😉. From all the travelling we didn't over the past couple of years, it was difficult for me to keep up but you guys were there to support me in any way you could. My dear sister-in-law, Rayan Makarowski, you came to our house for your treatment but I can't say enough, how much you helped me just by being here, I love you and you can stay anytime. Michelle Berg and Kimberly Schick-Puddicombe, the two of you have helped me with simply talking when I needed to (Kimberly Schick-Puddicombe had a brain injury too, so it was nice to chat with her because she actually knew what I was going through). Noreen Muth-Hayden, you helping me with the questions I had about becoming an independent contract (and I probably will still have questions 🙄). And I definitely have to thank Terry Churchill Makarowski, you are my strength when everything seems to be going no where (or really, really slow and when I just have to complain about everything without judging me 🙂).

I was at the Glenrose, with my speech therapist, Megan Petryk, and she said something that makes sense to me now, "I am not the only one changing, everyone around me has to accept I am different now. If they can't, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me, it just means they can't accept the way I am now, and that's okay too".

Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon and happy birthday to Jackson Makarowski (you definitely make me laugh, in a good way)!

It's Heart & Stroke Month

It is that time of year again, February is the Heart and Stroke funding campaign.  I didn't think much about it, before I had the stroke.  Now, it's a little different.  My husband will be out and about in our neighborhood to see if people will give to this cause, and I hope he does very well at it.

I know, there are a lot of charities that everyone gives to, so if you can, please remember this one when people come to your door to give.  That's all I've got to say 👍.

The past couple of month's have been some what difficult for me, because of a number of things.  But I'm really trying to make a difference; I am talking to people that I sort of cut out of my life for a bit; I am back on the hunt for a part-time job (so if you hear of anything...😉) and I am going down to Texas, in March, to see my friend, Sonia (Ramona and Denise are going down there as well).  I am also making a concerted effort to go for lunch or coffee with the people I was trying to avoid, due to my stroke.

I have to realize that yes, things have changed with me, BUT my friends are around me and I believe (actually I know 😮), I have told enough people about my stroke, the difficulties I have now and the fact that I have plateaued. Everyone just wants me to talk to them, if I am going through a tough time.  It is so important to keep the lines of communication open and that means through the good time 😊AND bad times 😟.  So if there is anyone that I have seemed to mistreat or I have seemed to "disappear" from, I am so sorry and I hope you can forgive me for not speaking or talking to you.

This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.

Another long time since I've written in here.  Well I was employed for six weeks (yep, that's all), I gave my notice two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1.  Talking on the phone was challenging and especially later in the day;

2.  There wasn't much for me to do throughout the day, the work was off and on - I think it would have worked out better for me if I could have worked part-time;

3.  It really was too much for me since I've had the stroke (and that took me by surprise and it's discouraging for me to admit to myself and to all of you 😢).

Once I got in the position, it really became obvious to me that things really aren't the way they're supposed to be since the stroke.  I had to constantly write down EVERYTHING, because I couldn't remember simple things in Word, Excel, Access and even email. When my supervisor would show me something, I had to ask her again (and again, etc. - well you know what I mean).  This was very difficult for me because before the stroke people would come to me and ask me how to do things...now it was really difficult for me to even remember what I had to do.

So I've had to really think about what and how much I can do now.  The first thing is - really I can only work part-time because quite simply I get too tired and I can't focus on things later in the day.  The other thing is - I have to look for a job the doesn't require me to speak for a long period of time - again, my speech starts to slur and I can't find the words I need to, to communicate to others.

Again, I have a brain injury and life has changed drastically for me.  I thought it would go back to the way I was...I won't any more and I have to get used to that.  I have my husband and family around me...I'm so thankful of that.  But I can't sit at home because it frustrates me with the kids gone and there's only so much I can do around here.  So if anyone knows of something I could do i.e., volunteer work, working part-time in the morning...send me your suggestions...I could use them...

This is from the book "My Stroke of Insight - A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

I just started reading it yesterday and it's really quite good!  There are some things in the back of it, in the Appendices, that are really helpful to me as a stroke survivor and to the people around anyone who has a brain injury.  There are 40 things listed and the one that speaks the most to me is number 37:

"Love me for who I am today.  Don't hold me to being the person I was before.  I have a different brain now."

I can't say it much clearer that that.  I am different now (some people will say I am much more relaxed about everything...I don't know if that true 😏).  But thankfully, I am getting better and can think more clearly and I can verbalize things a lot better than I could a year or two ago!

This post isn’t a rant or a poor me post either, but it’s a realization that I have come to and I think it will help me in the long run in my recovery from my stroke.

Almost a year ago I had the stroke. You can read about it on here because Richard posted about it and then I gradually got better and I posted some things too. I was thinking about the stroke and what it means to have a brain injury. I don’t think many people know that is what I have – a brain injury. I look the same (as people have told me), I talk the same (because I don’t talk too much outside of family or close friends because they know what I am struggling with) and I act the same. But there is a lot of things that aren’t the same.

The brain is a wonderful thing but when you suffer from a stroke, or an accident, aneurysm or even if you fall and knock yourself out then the brain has to relearn things a new way. Sometimes I may not seem clear because I can’t get my brain to say things or do things that I would have before the stroke. One thing that is painfully clear is that I have to be careful when I am in the kitchen cooking. I cut my finger when I was putting a bagel in the toaster. I didn’t even know I cut it because the pain receptors didn’t “flash” because I had the stroke. I got out the margarine to put on the bagel and touched my finger and then noticed something “wet” on it. It was bleeding and I couldn’t feel it. I also burnt my finger and again I couldn’t feel that it was burned.

I cry sometimes when I don’t even know why I am crying. And I laugh when I don’t know what I am laughing at. That’s what the brain injury means now. I can’t type very well, well not like I could before the stroke. And I have to look at the keys to make sure I have my fingers on the right keys. I have to use spell and grammar check because sometime I don’t remember how to spell.

I think probably the most frustrating thing about all of this is Sun Life called about once a month to check and see if I can return to work. Darlene from Sun Life doesn’t have a clue what I go through with 3 different therapies and the homework I am doing as well to make sure I can get back to work. I have long term disability payments until September of 2017. LONG TERM means I can take the time to learn all the skills that I need to get back to work but with the brain injury it may take a long time to get there. I can focus on Sun Life though because I have a lot to focus on with the therapy. But I do wish they would get people and Sun Life who have disabilities and can focus on what can they do to make it easier to get back to work. Whether it be 1 month or 2 years (sometimes I don’t even know if I will ever get back to “normal”).

One thing I would encourage everyone who reads this is that if they can get onto Netflix they should watch a documentary title My Beautiful Broken Brain. I watched it and I even recommended to my Memory Group and my Aphasia Group to watch it. It will explain a lot of what I am going through and what a lot of people who have a brain injury go through.