I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while, because I really didn't feel like sharing (or anything really).  It's the New Year and I'm not sure that this has anything to do with it, or maybe it's the fact that Bell Let's Talk has gone by - but I'm suffering from depression.  There is no really other way to explain it.

Now before everyone bombards me with "gee you should be happy, you survived"; "look how far you've come"; "we love you any way you are" or whatever else you can think of.  People have the misconception that if something's wrong - you don't talk about it, you figure it out on your own and move on.  It isn't as easy as that.  Now I also realize that there are many, many others who have depression worse that me.  I also know there are mental health problems that I know NOTHING about, but I want to say - depression and all the other mental health issues are REAL.  No amount of "doing it on your own" will make it go away - you have to talk to someone.  It maybe family/friends, a doctor, psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But everyone has to know - it is real!!

Over the past month or two, I have often thought "maybe it would have been better, had I not survived the stroke".  I don't want anyone to comment on this - I am NOT going to harm myself - I just want people to know this is what happens sometimes.  I can't find a job that I can do any more and it is really discouraging.  With all the work I've done - it just isn't enough.  Now I know, you can volunteer - sure except the same things happen if I do volunteer - I can't speak clearly, it's difficult for me to get out what I want/need to say, my English is awful and right now, my math skills are terrible, too.  Really, there's only so much house cleaning, walking the dog, and the various art projects I can do before it gets old.  I also do realize, it gets very tiring and cumbersome for my whole family to read this again and again.  So now, sometimes when we get together  - it's much easier for me to be "busy" fixing a meal or when they want to go out for a meal or to a concert, I send Richard out and I stay home because I don't feel like being around anyone.  I know, it is crappy for me to do this, but it is how it is.

I'm hoping that these feelings will pass, and I will get back to my old "positive" self but for now, this is what I am going through and I figured I'd let everyone know and this is the easiest way to do this.  Stay warm everybody...

This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.