And, Still I Rise...

The above picture is a new tattoo I have, "And, Still I Rise".

I have taken Lent off from social media - firstly, because I wasn't doing so good with depression and I really didn't want to have a lot to do with anyone; and secondly, I figured the time away would give me some time to get over the depression and mostly what can I do now with the brain injury.  Now, I wish I could tell all of you that I'm doing much better and I know where I'm "going" now...but alas, I can't.  I'm still somewhat depressed, mostly because I still don't know what to do with myself.  Plus in my mind (yes, I know it is wrong as well), if I can't get "paid" - it feels like I am not a contributing member of society (again, I KNOW this is not right to think).  I am volunteering with the Edmonton Humane Society and I really enjoy it.  But it bother's me that I can find a part-time PAYING job to contribute to our monthly bills (but that is the way it is today, and hopefully, it won't be forever).

Anyways, back to my tattoo - it says a lot.  I had it placed on my right side of my clavicle so I could see it everyday when I get out of the shower...and, still I rise.  My sister-in-law, Terry, saw it and she started tearing up when she saw it (and that means the world to me because amid it all - my family and friends still keep me going 💕).  It means a lot to me, as well, because really, even on days when I am feeling a bit bummed out about things, I still have the gumption to get up, do the homework I have to improve myself, I am continuing to look for some sort of "paying" job and I'm doing all I can to keep the depression away.  It's a journey that's for sure, and I will keep on going through the good times and the not so good times!

I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while, because I really didn't feel like sharing (or anything really).  It's the New Year and I'm not sure that this has anything to do with it, or maybe it's the fact that Bell Let's Talk has gone by - but I'm suffering from depression.  There is no really other way to explain it.

Now before everyone bombards me with "gee you should be happy, you survived"; "look how far you've come"; "we love you any way you are" or whatever else you can think of.  People have the misconception that if something's wrong - you don't talk about it, you figure it out on your own and move on.  It isn't as easy as that.  Now I also realize that there are many, many others who have depression worse that me.  I also know there are mental health problems that I know NOTHING about, but I want to say - depression and all the other mental health issues are REAL.  No amount of "doing it on your own" will make it go away - you have to talk to someone.  It maybe family/friends, a doctor, psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But everyone has to know - it is real!!

Over the past month or two, I have often thought "maybe it would have been better, had I not survived the stroke".  I don't want anyone to comment on this - I am NOT going to harm myself - I just want people to know this is what happens sometimes.  I can't find a job that I can do any more and it is really discouraging.  With all the work I've done - it just isn't enough.  Now I know, you can volunteer - sure except the same things happen if I do volunteer - I can't speak clearly, it's difficult for me to get out what I want/need to say, my English is awful and right now, my math skills are terrible, too.  Really, there's only so much house cleaning, walking the dog, and the various art projects I can do before it gets old.  I also do realize, it gets very tiring and cumbersome for my whole family to read this again and again.  So now, sometimes when we get together  - it's much easier for me to be "busy" fixing a meal or when they want to go out for a meal or to a concert, I send Richard out and I stay home because I don't feel like being around anyone.  I know, it is crappy for me to do this, but it is how it is.

I'm hoping that these feelings will pass, and I will get back to my old "positive" self but for now, this is what I am going through and I figured I'd let everyone know and this is the easiest way to do this.  Stay warm everybody...

This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.

I have been suffering for a couple of weeks now with feeling a little depressed since having the stroke.  Now I know, it's not as bad as some people that I have come into contact at the Glenrose, but sometimes (more often that not) I can't help but compare what I could do before the stroke to what I can do now...and it bums me out.

I know for a fact, right now, I can't go back to work in the old capacity I did before the stroke.  It really frustrates me!  Some people say "who cares, don't go back to work".  That's okay for them to say but I loved work and I loved the job as well...now I have to look for something different with less stress and something that takes into consideration that I can't talk as well or even type as well as I used to.

I am trying to look at things in a positive way, but some times it can be hard.  I see the doctor in the middle of June to get the final assessment from the Glenrose and that will be that.  I think it maybe just because it's been two years since having the stroke but with the reading I have done - the brain keeps healing and it will be longer that two years for me to get back to a semblance of "normal".

Now that's all I've got to say about that because I need to think positively to get back to the way I was before the stroke - upwards and on wards!👍