It has been a couple of weeks since I've written in here.  That's because of a few things that have been going on:

1.  Zach moved out last Tuesday, and the living/dining room was a mess because of all the boxes he was packing to go.

2.  I went to Brooks last weekend to visit Michelle, my cousin.

3.  I really didn't feel like writing anything because I was feeling a bit depressed or sad b,ecause it's taking me longer (a lot longer) to recover from the stroke than I ever thought it would.

Sometimes it seems like everyone around me doesn't see the disabilities like I do (and trust me - it is a brain injury I am suffering from now - and still recovering from...quite possibly for the rest of my life).  Everyone is cheering me on, or they say "you can't even tell you had a stroke".  All I can say to myself is "Yaaaaa right!"  But I'm not going to get into all that (right now at least 😮).

The one thing I did receive in the mail was our passports (Richard, Zach, Kennedy and me).  Now, before I had the stroke, it was really quite easy to get them - you just filled out the form, the passport office would received them, and then you'd receive them back in the mail - quite easy, right?!  Not any more!!!!

I had to really think about: was I putting everything in to the right place on the passport renewal info, I had to get the right addresses in the right spot, I had to get the positions right (for our jobs) in the right spot, I had to get the reference information as well in the right spot.  It wouldn't have taken me long (before the stroke) - but this time (after the stroke) it really took me a lot of time and effort to get all the information together.  The other thing was the writing - it took me soooooo long to write everything down because of my right side being "slower" than it was before.

One thing this disability, that I now have, has taught me is that no matter what, you have to keep trying when things look bad (or different than it used to look).  The "reward" of doing all the applications for the passport renewal is that WE GOT THEM!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!  They didn't come back looking for explanations or anything!  I also got them for 10 YEARS (which means I don't have to think of them until 2028 😀).

So even when things aren't going the way as I want them too, or if it seems it is taking me a bit longer that I think it should be going - there is always something positive in this recovery of mine!

(May 28 - June 4, 2015)
After I got a little bit of rest the night before, I woke up in the hospital room and Richard was on the phone with his nephew, Sean.  I looked around but that was all I could do.  My right-side was completely useless. I was paralyzed on my right side - I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom, I couldn't wash my face or hair, I couldn't change my clothes or anything like that.  It was so frustrating.  Plus I couldn't talk to let anyone know how I was feeling.

Ken and Terry came to see me at the hospital (again, I'm not sure of what time it was).  I think I said "Hi" or at least that's what it sounded like to me.  Terry was crying and I couldn't figure out why she was crying.  I couldn't say anything other that "hi" and I believe that shocked her.  We had been friends for over 30 years and I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move my right side and I couldn't comfort her that I would be okay (and really at that point, I didn't know that I was going to come out of it or in what capacity).  They would return on Sunday to see how I was doing.

Richard, Zach, Aaron and Kennedy were around on the weekend.  It's funny, because Zach is a worrier, Aaron keeps things to himself and Kennedy just had it in her head that "mom will be fine".  I'm not sure if I ever will be truly "fine" the way I was before the stroke, but at this point, I just wanted to operate my right side and I needed to speak words, not just "hi".

The first weekend at the hospital, the staff couldn't feed my anything other than "mashed" meat, potatoes and vegetables.  Because the doctors couldn't evaluate my swallowing and such until the following Monday. It was really quite gross!

I know people were reaching out to Richard to find out what was going on with me and how they could help.  He didn't really have any answers though, and Richard would have to wait until the weekend was over.

When Ken and Terry came back on Sunday to visit me, I guess I must have been saying somethings better, because Terry was a little more relaxed.  It frustrating even now to me, that I couldn't say more (it wasn't aphasia because I have to learn to talk all over again...like a toddler).  Plus the I still was paralyzed on the right side but that didn't seem to bother me as much as not being able to talk.

The next week, the days sort of blend in to one another. I was able to each small portions of food, and the doctor's sent me for a couple of tests to try to see why I had the stroke.  The doctor's said everything "looked all right".  So the next week, they would send me for some more tests.

People came to see me that first week, but really I couldn't understand and it was really quite tiresome.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  They say that is the body's way to recover and I had a whole lot of recovery to do.

The Day of the Stroke

I am going to tell you about the stroke from my perspective (the words at the beginning were written by my husband).  I am going to tell you what I was feeling when I first had the stroke and the days at the Grey Nun's Hospital and then at the Glenrose Hospital.  Some of the items I may be repeating because my husband wrote about them too.

May 27, 2015

It was a Thursday after work, my husband (Richard) and I had just finished supper and we went downstairs to watch something on television (we are in a split level house).  I was feeling totally fine up to that point.  As I was watching something (I can't remember what), I suddenly felt nauseous.  So I sat for a few minutes and when I didn't feel better, I thought I would go upstairs a lay down for a bit. Now I thought I had told Richard but as you can see by the words he wrote, I didn't say anything out loud to him. I walked up the first three stairs and then I fell down.  Weird, but I just thought I really must feel sick if I could trip on the stairs.

I finally got up to our room, but there was no way I could get to my side of the bed.  Again, another weird thing but I flopped horizontally across the bed, and I must have managed to slide over to my side and I closed my eyes.  I figured I would just need to sleep it off...what ever "it" was.

Now according to Richard, he came up to see where I was (because I didn't tell him anything).  He came in the room and asked what I was doing.  I THOUGHT (again, I thought I responded quite normally) "I have to sleep because I don't feel well".  As you can see by what Richard wrote in his post, it didn't come out right.  He asked me again, and I said again, "I don't feel well".  He then said I could to one of two things:

1.  I could get in the car and he would drive me to the Grey Nun's hospital, or;
2.  He would call an ambulance to take me there.

Wow, I thought for being sick with the flu or something like that.  I managed to get out the word "wait" and the word "no".  Richard said he didn't care, those were the only two things I had to choose between.  So I got on a pair of jeans (I never go out anywhere in my sweat pants 😉), and off we went.  The hospital is only about 10 minutes from our house so we got there right away.  Remember, I didn't know what was wrong at this point.

We went to the Grey Nun's Hospital Emergency Room and I sat down while Richard talked to the nurse.  Then I heard him say, "I think my wife is having a stroke".  I was sitting there and thinking to myself, "Oh great, is he going to look like over-protective husband when the nurse checks me and sends me home because I've got the flu".

The nurse came around the partition, and said to me, "Can  you squeeze my hands as tight as you can".  I thought I squeezed them both very tight, but again, my right side was getting weaker now, and it just slid down her hand.  The nurse said "You're right, she is having a stroke.  You get her checked in and I will get her to do a CT scan".  This whole time, I'm thinking you both are going to looked dumb when a doctor comes and says she just has the flu.

I don't remember much at that point, apparently I got to the hospital in time for them to give me the tPA (tissue plasminogen activator), which would help me after the stroke (you can only have it if you have a ischemic stroke within 3 to 4 hours after the stroke).  Then the nurse said they are getting a room ready for me.  During the time I was having the needle, Richard called all three of my kids (Zach 22, Aaron 22 and Kennedy 19).  I must have been dozing on and off, because the next thing I remember is my oldest son, Zach, being there.  Now again, things were very different for me because, it seemed like Richard and Zach were having an argument.  Richard told me afterwords they weren't arguing at all.  Zach was telling Richard that he should have called the kids right away because they all should have known and Zach would have come down immediately.  I remember they were talking and it seemed so loud to me.

By this time, it must have been about 11:00 pm, Aaron and Kennedy got there.  Again, I could hear them talking and such, but I couldn't talk back to them.  The nurses got me to a "stroke" room right across from the nurses' station on the 4th floor.  That night, I didn't get very much sleep because the nurses had to check on me every hour to make sure I was awake and to see if I could answer any of their questions, since I wasn't talking at that time.  Also I totally lost all feeling and senses on my right side.  I couldn't walk and my right arm was useless at my side.  And still, I didn't think I had a stroke, I just thought...I don't know what I thought.  It's very weird even now, almost two year's later, it's like everything was so loud but there is a peace as well because it was almost like I was observing outside of myself, what was happening to me.

I am going to separate the posts about the initial days because this will take a bit to remember and I want to include as much as I can from the days at the Grey Nun's and the Glenrose.

This is from the book "My Stroke of Insight - A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

I just started reading it yesterday and it's really quite good!  There are some things in the back of it, in the Appendices, that are really helpful to me as a stroke survivor and to the people around anyone who has a brain injury.  There are 40 things listed and the one that speaks the most to me is number 37:

"Love me for who I am today.  Don't hold me to being the person I was before.  I have a different brain now."

I can't say it much clearer that that.  I am different now (some people will say I am much more relaxed about everything...I don't know if that true 😏).  But thankfully, I am getting better and can think more clearly and I can verbalize things a lot better than I could a year or two ago!

Well I have been going to all my therapies since January and it is going well. I was at one on Monday and something came up because I can't do math very well and the aphasia is getting better but it is still a struggle in the afternoon when I have to make calls and things like that.

So the question was to me, what do you see yourself doing if you can't go back to the work I did before? Wow, I never thought of that! I'm reading a book, "Tell Me Everything You Don't Remember - The Stroke That Changed My Life", the author took eight (yes I said EIGHT) years for her recovery. She was a writer. Eight years...and I'm in my second year since having a stroke. It's something I have to think about. I never thought I wouldn't go back to work in the position that I had before I had the stroke, wow.

So now I have been thinking of other things I could do (because I'm not cut out to sit at home) so what can and should I do?

So I'm asking all of you, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Or if you could do something else besides what you are doing right now, what would it be? I'm looking for suggestions of things that I would be good at, and considering the items I have to get better at (math, typing and the whole aphasia thing). Any suggestions from anyone would be appreciated!

And thank's so much for following my journey since the stroke, you have ALL made a huge difference to me while I am getting better!

#working after stroke  #rehab