This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.

Another long time since I've written in here.  Well I was employed for six weeks (yep, that's all), I gave my notice two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1.  Talking on the phone was challenging and especially later in the day;

2.  There wasn't much for me to do throughout the day, the work was off and on - I think it would have worked out better for me if I could have worked part-time;

3.  It really was too much for me since I've had the stroke (and that took me by surprise and it's discouraging for me to admit to myself and to all of you 😢).

Once I got in the position, it really became obvious to me that things really aren't the way they're supposed to be since the stroke.  I had to constantly write down EVERYTHING, because I couldn't remember simple things in Word, Excel, Access and even email. When my supervisor would show me something, I had to ask her again (and again, etc. - well you know what I mean).  This was very difficult for me because before the stroke people would come to me and ask me how to do things...now it was really difficult for me to even remember what I had to do.

So I've had to really think about what and how much I can do now.  The first thing is - really I can only work part-time because quite simply I get too tired and I can't focus on things later in the day.  The other thing is - I have to look for a job the doesn't require me to speak for a long period of time - again, my speech starts to slur and I can't find the words I need to, to communicate to others.

Again, I have a brain injury and life has changed drastically for me.  I thought it would go back to the way I was...I won't any more and I have to get used to that.  I have my husband and family around me...I'm so thankful of that.  But I can't sit at home because it frustrates me with the kids gone and there's only so much I can do around here.  So if anyone knows of something I could do i.e., volunteer work, working part-time in the morning...send me your suggestions...I could use them...