Keep Going...

Well, I think this quote says it all!  It has been definitely a struggle over the past few months.  I'm not really sure what I should do for a job (I've been looking but I am being very careful about what I apply on because the last positions, well they really were the right fit for me).  If something turns up, that would be excellent but I'm going to wait until the RIGHT position comes along!

I am still volunteering with the Edmonton Humane Society is great, but it's 20 - 30 minutes away, so I don't want to go there everyday (and The Joe is here at home and he's not getting younger so I want to spend time with him).  I have noticed or I am more careful about different things that I can't do for them, like work the adoption desk 😉, because I would come home with a few (like 10 or more) dogs with me!  Oh, and here is my "plug" - if you are thinking about getting a dog or cat, I would HIGHLY recommend going to a shelter to find one (a dog or a cat or both 😉) - there are so many pets out there that are searching for their furever home!

I did get some information about working as a volunteer with the Stroke Mentor-ship program but I don't believe I'm going to work with that particular program (right now) - simply because of my up and down moods about my recovery.  So, I'm going to think about this position some more before I decide about it.  I did apply for a volunteer position with the Grey Nun's.  Now I have to wait while they check my references and while I receive my immunization records (who knew because of my age, they would be on microfish 😲).  There are a lot of options but the two I am interested in are Child Health Clinic or with the Dialysis Unit (I am thinking it will be the child's health clinic because that is where my heart lies 💗)!  So that is something new for me to think about - once I am approved (hopefully), I'll let you know how it's going!

My parent's have moved back to Edmonton (my dad is 88 year's young and my mom is 85 year's young).  They are getting older and I believe it was better for them to live here where all their kids, grandchildren (well except for Kennedy) and great-grand children are.  They are living in a retirement home that is close to where I am, so I can just pop over anytime to visit with them.

I have to say, it is much easier in the spring and summer, to battle the depression because it's warmer and most days, it is sunny and there is more for me to do.  When it rains, ugh, I have to really fight with myself so that I don't think negatively about what is going on!  I'm staying positive for the most part, so hopefully, the majority of the depression is gone.  There are something's that some people may do or say, that I don't agree with them but I have to remember everyone has different opinions, and whether I agree with them or not, they have the right to have them.  The other thing, is since I've had the stroke, I can't articulate how I am feeling or what I am thinking, so quite often I don't disagree with them.  I'd like everyone to know, sometimes it's better to NOT say something 😏, as hard as that may be to do!   I must say though, it definitely does help with the blog and the feedback I have received is really incredible - so thank you to all of you who read this every time I have something to say - whether it's positive or negative!

And, Still I Rise...

The above picture is a new tattoo I have, "And, Still I Rise".

I have taken Lent off from social media - firstly, because I wasn't doing so good with depression and I really didn't want to have a lot to do with anyone; and secondly, I figured the time away would give me some time to get over the depression and mostly what can I do now with the brain injury.  Now, I wish I could tell all of you that I'm doing much better and I know where I'm "going" now...but alas, I can't.  I'm still somewhat depressed, mostly because I still don't know what to do with myself.  Plus in my mind (yes, I know it is wrong as well), if I can't get "paid" - it feels like I am not a contributing member of society (again, I KNOW this is not right to think).  I am volunteering with the Edmonton Humane Society and I really enjoy it.  But it bother's me that I can find a part-time PAYING job to contribute to our monthly bills (but that is the way it is today, and hopefully, it won't be forever).

Anyways, back to my tattoo - it says a lot.  I had it placed on my right side of my clavicle so I could see it everyday when I get out of the shower...and, still I rise.  My sister-in-law, Terry, saw it and she started tearing up when she saw it (and that means the world to me because amid it all - my family and friends still keep me going 💕).  It means a lot to me, as well, because really, even on days when I am feeling a bit bummed out about things, I still have the gumption to get up, do the homework I have to improve myself, I am continuing to look for some sort of "paying" job and I'm doing all I can to keep the depression away.  It's a journey that's for sure, and I will keep on going through the good times and the not so good times!

Left Brain, Right Brain and Everything in Between

I was looking at some pictures on the Internet, and what happens when you have a stroke - which part of the brain takes care of things.  I had the stroke on the left hemisphere of my brain, which explains a lot of the issues I now have.

Sometimes, I wish, I would have had the stroke on the "right side" of my brain 😉 because it would have made it a bit easier for me.  The right side produces dreams, responsible for musicality (not such a big deal), drawing pictures (again, not a big deal to me 😏), and creates emotion (I'm not going to say it, those who know me, will laugh as well).  There are other things, and you can read them if you'd like.

The core of who and what I am, is represented by the left hemisphere - those who know me, can attest to that.  The left side controls language skills, speech, memorizing facts and names, reading and writing abilities, and controls science and math capabilities.  WOW!!!!  All of these things are me (or used to be, before I had the stroke).  So this is why it is so difficult for me to get back to the things I was good at, before I had the stroke!  (Or even half of what I was good at before I had the stroke 😮.)

Now, I am trying to look on the bright side (and it's a struggle these days as I have said in previous postings of my blog).  If I would have had the right side of my brain impacted - I'm not sure if I could drive anymore, I might have been in a wheel chair or would have to use a walker full-time, and it would be difficult to judge where I am in relation to spatial orientation, and I would be challenged with multi-tasking and parallel processing information.  Okay, so maybe it would have been so good either!

Having said all this and the issues I have had with depression and everything, it might help me to take sometime away from social media, just to get my "head" back in the game (and with the beginning of Lent starting - it might be a good thing for me)!  It can't hurt, at least, and eventually I'll be back!

There are a few things in the next couple of weeks; I have a volunteer training session at the Edmonton Humane Society, to volunteer with the animals; and there is an educational assistant information session, with the EPSB, so I'm going to check it out to see if that is an opportunity that I want to explore.  Also, I have put in an application for volunteer work at the Grey Nun's Hospital that I am waiting to hear back from.  Oh, and I still have to get a hold of the BIS Toastmasters to find out which Thursdays they meet, because it would definitely help me with the oral communication.  There is a bit going on, so we will see what happens!

Abuse

 

I spend some of my time with different groups that have something to do with brain injuries whether it be for support, therapy or how to do things differently now that I have had a stroke.  I'm going to share this from one of the groups - I won't tell you which group or anything like that - because it is supposed to be confidential but I also believe people should know about it and that they should report it, if it does happen to someone you know.

I was at one of the groups and there was a woman who has a brain injury.  She can't say very many words and it can be difficult to get things out when she needs to tell someone something.  You really have to be patient with her, and that's all right!  She started telling the group that there was a call on her answering machine - it was from the police.  They were wondering if she could come down to the Police station and do a video recording session with them.  She went on to say "it was good that they are taking an interest in her".  As she kept talking (I finally realized), she had suffered a sexual assault by her neighbor (the person that lives on the floor above her).  She was more emotional about the fact that the police wanted her statement that what actually happened to her!  She spoke a bit more and told all of us, that this was the SECOND time (I couldn't believe it), it happened.  Now the group leaders with this group, know her very well, and they are helping privately with her to get some help with all of this (I want all of you to know this).

I think about child sexual abuse and senior sexual abuse that goes on, because it is in the news and everything; but also it goes on with the disabled, too.  It must have been very difficult when it happened to her, who does she go to and what to do afterwards.  I really must give my support and kudos to this woman - firstly because she told all of us in the group and because even in her current state, she is thinking about her next steps with what she should do and how she should do it.  I think she is an amazing woman to share this!

I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while, because I really didn't feel like sharing (or anything really).  It's the New Year and I'm not sure that this has anything to do with it, or maybe it's the fact that Bell Let's Talk has gone by - but I'm suffering from depression.  There is no really other way to explain it.

Now before everyone bombards me with "gee you should be happy, you survived"; "look how far you've come"; "we love you any way you are" or whatever else you can think of.  People have the misconception that if something's wrong - you don't talk about it, you figure it out on your own and move on.  It isn't as easy as that.  Now I also realize that there are many, many others who have depression worse that me.  I also know there are mental health problems that I know NOTHING about, but I want to say - depression and all the other mental health issues are REAL.  No amount of "doing it on your own" will make it go away - you have to talk to someone.  It maybe family/friends, a doctor, psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But everyone has to know - it is real!!

Over the past month or two, I have often thought "maybe it would have been better, had I not survived the stroke".  I don't want anyone to comment on this - I am NOT going to harm myself - I just want people to know this is what happens sometimes.  I can't find a job that I can do any more and it is really discouraging.  With all the work I've done - it just isn't enough.  Now I know, you can volunteer - sure except the same things happen if I do volunteer - I can't speak clearly, it's difficult for me to get out what I want/need to say, my English is awful and right now, my math skills are terrible, too.  Really, there's only so much house cleaning, walking the dog, and the various art projects I can do before it gets old.  I also do realize, it gets very tiring and cumbersome for my whole family to read this again and again.  So now, sometimes when we get together  - it's much easier for me to be "busy" fixing a meal or when they want to go out for a meal or to a concert, I send Richard out and I stay home because I don't feel like being around anyone.  I know, it is crappy for me to do this, but it is how it is.

I'm hoping that these feelings will pass, and I will get back to my old "positive" self but for now, this is what I am going through and I figured I'd let everyone know and this is the easiest way to do this.  Stay warm everybody...