The Day of the Stroke

I am going to tell you about the stroke from my perspective (the words at the beginning were written by my husband).  I am going to tell you what I was feeling when I first had the stroke and the days at the Grey Nun's Hospital and then at the Glenrose Hospital.  Some of the items I may be repeating because my husband wrote about them too.

May 27, 2015

It was a Thursday after work, my husband (Richard) and I had just finished supper and we went downstairs to watch something on television (we are in a split level house).  I was feeling totally fine up to that point.  As I was watching something (I can't remember what), I suddenly felt nauseous.  So I sat for a few minutes and when I didn't feel better, I thought I would go upstairs a lay down for a bit. Now I thought I had told Richard but as you can see by the words he wrote, I didn't say anything out loud to him. I walked up the first three stairs and then I fell down.  Weird, but I just thought I really must feel sick if I could trip on the stairs.

I finally got up to our room, but there was no way I could get to my side of the bed.  Again, another weird thing but I flopped horizontally across the bed, and I must have managed to slide over to my side and I closed my eyes.  I figured I would just need to sleep it off...what ever "it" was.

Now according to Richard, he came up to see where I was (because I didn't tell him anything).  He came in the room and asked what I was doing.  I THOUGHT (again, I thought I responded quite normally) "I have to sleep because I don't feel well".  As you can see by what Richard wrote in his post, it didn't come out right.  He asked me again, and I said again, "I don't feel well".  He then said I could to one of two things:

1.  I could get in the car and he would drive me to the Grey Nun's hospital, or;
2.  He would call an ambulance to take me there.

Wow, I thought for being sick with the flu or something like that.  I managed to get out the word "wait" and the word "no".  Richard said he didn't care, those were the only two things I had to choose between.  So I got on a pair of jeans (I never go out anywhere in my sweat pants 😉), and off we went.  The hospital is only about 10 minutes from our house so we got there right away.  Remember, I didn't know what was wrong at this point.

We went to the Grey Nun's Hospital Emergency Room and I sat down while Richard talked to the nurse.  Then I heard him say, "I think my wife is having a stroke".  I was sitting there and thinking to myself, "Oh great, is he going to look like over-protective husband when the nurse checks me and sends me home because I've got the flu".

The nurse came around the partition, and said to me, "Can  you squeeze my hands as tight as you can".  I thought I squeezed them both very tight, but again, my right side was getting weaker now, and it just slid down her hand.  The nurse said "You're right, she is having a stroke.  You get her checked in and I will get her to do a CT scan".  This whole time, I'm thinking you both are going to looked dumb when a doctor comes and says she just has the flu.

I don't remember much at that point, apparently I got to the hospital in time for them to give me the tPA (tissue plasminogen activator), which would help me after the stroke (you can only have it if you have a ischemic stroke within 3 to 4 hours after the stroke).  Then the nurse said they are getting a room ready for me.  During the time I was having the needle, Richard called all three of my kids (Zach 22, Aaron 22 and Kennedy 19).  I must have been dozing on and off, because the next thing I remember is my oldest son, Zach, being there.  Now again, things were very different for me because, it seemed like Richard and Zach were having an argument.  Richard told me afterwords they weren't arguing at all.  Zach was telling Richard that he should have called the kids right away because they all should have known and Zach would have come down immediately.  I remember they were talking and it seemed so loud to me.

By this time, it must have been about 11:00 pm, Aaron and Kennedy got there.  Again, I could hear them talking and such, but I couldn't talk back to them.  The nurses got me to a "stroke" room right across from the nurses' station on the 4th floor.  That night, I didn't get very much sleep because the nurses had to check on me every hour to make sure I was awake and to see if I could answer any of their questions, since I wasn't talking at that time.  Also I totally lost all feeling and senses on my right side.  I couldn't walk and my right arm was useless at my side.  And still, I didn't think I had a stroke, I just thought...I don't know what I thought.  It's very weird even now, almost two year's later, it's like everything was so loud but there is a peace as well because it was almost like I was observing outside of myself, what was happening to me.

I am going to separate the posts about the initial days because this will take a bit to remember and I want to include as much as I can from the days at the Grey Nun's and the Glenrose.

This is from the book "My Stroke of Insight - A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

I just started reading it yesterday and it's really quite good!  There are some things in the back of it, in the Appendices, that are really helpful to me as a stroke survivor and to the people around anyone who has a brain injury.  There are 40 things listed and the one that speaks the most to me is number 37:

"Love me for who I am today.  Don't hold me to being the person I was before.  I have a different brain now."

I can't say it much clearer that that.  I am different now (some people will say I am much more relaxed about everything...I don't know if that true 😏).  But thankfully, I am getting better and can think more clearly and I can verbalize things a lot better than I could a year or two ago!

Well I have been going to all my therapies since January and it is going well. I was at one on Monday and something came up because I can't do math very well and the aphasia is getting better but it is still a struggle in the afternoon when I have to make calls and things like that.

So the question was to me, what do you see yourself doing if you can't go back to the work I did before? Wow, I never thought of that! I'm reading a book, "Tell Me Everything You Don't Remember - The Stroke That Changed My Life", the author took eight (yes I said EIGHT) years for her recovery. She was a writer. Eight years...and I'm in my second year since having a stroke. It's something I have to think about. I never thought I wouldn't go back to work in the position that I had before I had the stroke, wow.

So now I have been thinking of other things I could do (because I'm not cut out to sit at home) so what can and should I do?

So I'm asking all of you, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Or if you could do something else besides what you are doing right now, what would it be? I'm looking for suggestions of things that I would be good at, and considering the items I have to get better at (math, typing and the whole aphasia thing). Any suggestions from anyone would be appreciated!

And thank's so much for following my journey since the stroke, you have ALL made a huge difference to me while I am getting better!

#working after stroke  #rehab

This is a tattoo I have on my left shoulder (I am the hero of this story). I got it a few years ago, but it means more to me now since I've had a stroke. I'll tell you why...

I went a couple of weeks ago to Anaheim and to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I love Anaheim and Richard and I went the October after I had the stroke but we didn't go to Disneyland because I couldn't walk very well and I didn't do very good with crowds back then.

This time we went with the Makarowski"s. It was a surprise for Ken, but Pat traveled from Switzerland for his 50th birthday...an I must say...he was very surprised!

We spent 3 days at Disneyland and California Adventure and 1 day at Universal Studios...it was FABULOUS! They were long days and later on during the days, I could feel myself slowing down a bit and I could also feel my right side dragging down a bit...but you know what? I did just fine. If I could not keep up, that's fine, I kept all the people in-sight and caught up to them at the next ride. I must say though, I slept really hard when we got back to the house we rented 😀.

So I think about our trip when I don't think things are moving as quickly as I think they should be moving, and regardless of how I'm feeling, I have come a long way in the past two years and I can only get stronger and my mind will catch up if I keep working on things!

So I would remind anyone who has some sort of disability (physical or mental) keeping working, you are the hero of your story!

It has been a little while since I wrote about my therapy and all the things that go with it. The past couple of weeks I have been talking to my therapist, Megan, about what I am capable of and what I want to do for a job when I finally get the doctors note that I can go back to work. It’s difficult because the reality is, I can’t do most of the things that I could before the stroke. Even when I am cooking or baking I have to really THINK about getting the oven mitts so I can take a casserole out of the oven because I don’t feel pain right away. There is something with my brain that I can’t process it until later in the day (that is part of the brain injury I have to accept). If I cut myself, it’s the same thing, I don’t feel it right away and that’s a scary thing.

All the questions about math and fractions, I am only at a grade 4 or 5 level. I can’t even make change in my head without really thinking about it for a minute or two. So right now, I can’t even imagine going back to work as an operations manager. It take me a while to just type out things, then I have to re-read them and I have to check that I spelled the words the right way and I have to make sure I am using the right words.

It’s weird because anyone who sees me face to face doesn’t see anything different. I still look the same, I don’t have a limp or an obvious disability but I can’t write very well and if you talk to me, you will realize there is something with my speech and if I talk to you later in the day, I mostly say “um-hum” or yes or no answers because later in the day I am getting tired and can’t think about the words I want to say.

It’s a reality that I have to face every day now since the stroke. There are a number of things that I am getting slowly back but I have to realize that there are many things (typing, words, cooking just to name a few) that I have to look at a different way and really think about them before I do them.

I guess what I am asking all of you, is to take into consideration when you think a person is slow or they can’t do math as well as you can or that they can’t find the words like you can – don’t forget you don’t know what the person is feeling or thinking about and you don’t know that they haven’t had a brain injury that you can’t see just by looking at them.

Well it has almost (one day more) since I have had my stroke. There are a lot of things I can’t do very well since I’ve had the stroke BUT when I think about how far I’ve come there are a lot of things I can be grateful for…

I am grateful that God brought me through the stroke without a whole lot of time spend in the hospital;

I am grateful that Richard was home when I had the stroke and got me to the hospital in a timely fashion;

I am grateful that the nurses and doctors knew that I was having a stroke and gave me the stroke medication within an hour of knowing I was having the stroke;

I am grateful that my husband Richard, and my kids Zachary, Aaron and Kennedy were so resilient while I was in the hospital and they just kept on going with their daily lives;

I am grateful that I have my family and friends to support me when I need them;

I am grateful for the friends and family who drove me around when I didn’t have my license after the stroke;

I am grateful I can drive now myself since I got my licence back;

I am grateful that I had a brain injury so that I could be patient with others who have brain injuries;

I am grateful that I am learning to use the right hand side since I couldn’t use it right after the stroke;

I am grateful that I can type (even though it’s very slow right now);

I am grateful that I can play the piano (again, it is very slow right now but I am getting better at it);

I am grateful that even though I can’t go back to work right now, but I am getting better at all the things I need to get me back to work…hopefully;

I am grateful I was able to go to Kitchener to see Sean and Sarah married;

I am grateful that I was able to go to California and to Houston on a plane.

I am sure there are a lot of things I am grateful for but these ones are at the top of the list.

This post isn’t a rant or a poor me post either, but it’s a realization that I have come to and I think it will help me in the long run in my recovery from my stroke.

Almost a year ago I had the stroke. You can read about it on here because Richard posted about it and then I gradually got better and I posted some things too. I was thinking about the stroke and what it means to have a brain injury. I don’t think many people know that is what I have – a brain injury. I look the same (as people have told me), I talk the same (because I don’t talk too much outside of family or close friends because they know what I am struggling with) and I act the same. But there is a lot of things that aren’t the same.

The brain is a wonderful thing but when you suffer from a stroke, or an accident, aneurysm or even if you fall and knock yourself out then the brain has to relearn things a new way. Sometimes I may not seem clear because I can’t get my brain to say things or do things that I would have before the stroke. One thing that is painfully clear is that I have to be careful when I am in the kitchen cooking. I cut my finger when I was putting a bagel in the toaster. I didn’t even know I cut it because the pain receptors didn’t “flash” because I had the stroke. I got out the margarine to put on the bagel and touched my finger and then noticed something “wet” on it. It was bleeding and I couldn’t feel it. I also burnt my finger and again I couldn’t feel that it was burned.

I cry sometimes when I don’t even know why I am crying. And I laugh when I don’t know what I am laughing at. That’s what the brain injury means now. I can’t type very well, well not like I could before the stroke. And I have to look at the keys to make sure I have my fingers on the right keys. I have to use spell and grammar check because sometime I don’t remember how to spell.

I think probably the most frustrating thing about all of this is Sun Life called about once a month to check and see if I can return to work. Darlene from Sun Life doesn’t have a clue what I go through with 3 different therapies and the homework I am doing as well to make sure I can get back to work. I have long term disability payments until September of 2017. LONG TERM means I can take the time to learn all the skills that I need to get back to work but with the brain injury it may take a long time to get there. I can focus on Sun Life though because I have a lot to focus on with the therapy. But I do wish they would get people and Sun Life who have disabilities and can focus on what can they do to make it easier to get back to work. Whether it be 1 month or 2 years (sometimes I don’t even know if I will ever get back to “normal”).

One thing I would encourage everyone who reads this is that if they can get onto Netflix they should watch a documentary title My Beautiful Broken Brain. I watched it and I even recommended to my Memory Group and my Aphasia Group to watch it. It will explain a lot of what I am going through and what a lot of people who have a brain injury go through.