This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.

Another long time since I've written in here.  Well I was employed for six weeks (yep, that's all), I gave my notice two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1.  Talking on the phone was challenging and especially later in the day;

2.  There wasn't much for me to do throughout the day, the work was off and on - I think it would have worked out better for me if I could have worked part-time;

3.  It really was too much for me since I've had the stroke (and that took me by surprise and it's discouraging for me to admit to myself and to all of you 😢).

Once I got in the position, it really became obvious to me that things really aren't the way they're supposed to be since the stroke.  I had to constantly write down EVERYTHING, because I couldn't remember simple things in Word, Excel, Access and even email. When my supervisor would show me something, I had to ask her again (and again, etc. - well you know what I mean).  This was very difficult for me because before the stroke people would come to me and ask me how to do things...now it was really difficult for me to even remember what I had to do.

So I've had to really think about what and how much I can do now.  The first thing is - really I can only work part-time because quite simply I get too tired and I can't focus on things later in the day.  The other thing is - I have to look for a job the doesn't require me to speak for a long period of time - again, my speech starts to slur and I can't find the words I need to, to communicate to others.

Again, I have a brain injury and life has changed drastically for me.  I thought it would go back to the way I was...I won't any more and I have to get used to that.  I have my husband and family around me...I'm so thankful of that.  But I can't sit at home because it frustrates me with the kids gone and there's only so much I can do around here.  So if anyone knows of something I could do i.e., volunteer work, working part-time in the morning...send me your suggestions...I could use them...

It has been a little while since I have blogged but there have been a few things going on and I believe I have to write about them.

I went for the psychology evaluation and I got the results back 😕.  I can't go back to work full time because I still have delays processing things and they want me to continue working with Megan for the aphasia.  BUT I can going back to work on a part-time basis, so that is really good.

Now I have been going to job interviews and I was offered one job, but I turned it down mostly because it was the first interview I went on and I hadn't checked out any others.  I have another job interview this afternoon, and I'm going to see what it's like.  I believe I am capable of working full time and I am going to see if that is true (so wish me luck)!

I have finished my High Level Aphasia so now I just have my one-on-one therapy sessions with Megan on Thursday.  I believe I will continue with them even if I have a job (well I'm going to negotiate that when I get a job offer 👍).  I am working really hard at the homework every day, the only way I am going to get better is to keep on working at things...and one of the things is this blog.

I can't believe it is August already, time sure flies.  We have a wedding in London, England and I would like to go to Brooks one more time before the summer is over (don't know when) and then it is September.  If I don't get the job today, I'm still going to search for something that I can do in property management.  I believe that is the best route that I should take mostly because I am familiar with it and there are lots of contacts I have to make sure I am successful.

(June 2015)

The first thing I have to do is thank everyone who came to see me in the Grey Nun's hospital after my stroke.  I couldn't talk very well (and I couldn't process many things in my head either), but I will NEVER forget people that came to visit me!  Even my friend Sonia flew here from Houston, Texas, because she had to see me for herself to make sure I was going to be okay.  So thank you!!!

I'm not sure exactly what date it was but I do know it was a Tuesday and I also know I got to have my first shower, ALONE, at the Grey Nun's hospital.  Now that may not seem like a big deal to any of you who haven't been in a wheelchair and before that, had no use of your right (or left) side.  It was amazing!!!!  The only "bad" thing about it, the bathrooms don't have any fans in side them in the hospital - so when I got out of the shower - I was so light headed!  I had to sit down in the wheelchair because I thought I was going to pass out.  But again - it was wonderful!!

Once I was showered, the nurse let me know I was going to the Glenrose for the next part of my rehab and I had about an hour to pack all my stuff up before an ambulance would take me there.  The nurse said they would take care of calling Richard and another nurse came in to help me pack.  My right arm was getting stronger but I couldn't pack very well - but I was ready to get out of the Grey Nun's and to get underway with my rehab.

Let me tell you - it was great to get outside (yes, even in an ambulance ride)!  I got to the Glenrose sometime in the afternoon.  I got into a private room for a couple of days because I had to meet with different therapists to map out what I couldn't do.  It was strange for the first night that I stayed there - because once I was in bed, there was an alarm that would go off when I had to get a drink or go the bathroom.  Now, I know why, but at the time I was quite puzzled by this.  Also, I was in a "locked" wing of the hospital.  Again, I didn't know then, but a stroke is a brain injury and it can hamper the way you look at things and how you process things (like getting back to your room after a day of therapies).

I had to always go out with one of my therapists for each session and they would return me back to my room after - I didn't realize I would get lost if someone didn't come back with me.  It was really like starting over from a beginner for everything.  I didn't need the wheelchair anymore, I graduated to a walker - so that was nice.  But I couldn't write anything so I had a bunch of photocopies that I could do with cursive writing techniques.  I finally got to go to my therapies by myself after one of my therapists took me around the hospital and asked me to find the cafeteria, the lobby, the physical therapists room and so forth.  It was great to go to my therapies by myself and I could get back to the wing I was in and everything.  It is really amazing the things that you take for granted because "that's just they way it is"...until you have to go back to the "beginning".

I had to go to a physical therapist so that I could use my legs properly.  Again, it's like starting all over again.  I would have to have a rope belt around my waist and the therapist would hold on to it so I wouldn't lose my balance.  But I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way - I NEEDED to  get back to way I was before the stroke - and that was that!

I had two different types of speech therapists that I would play games with like Scattergories and Scrabble.  It was very difficult because I could "see" the word in my head but I couldn't verbalize what I wanted to say.  It was going to take me a little longer (no, I didn't know I would still be struggling today - two years later).  This is something I still have to work on, make notes and I can't come down on myself when I get tired or I can't find the words I need to say (Aphasia 😉...I've used the word enough that everyone knows about it)!

Now again, I have to say, the nurses and all the therapist's were WONDERFUL at the Glenrose!!!  Even now, I am taking High Level Aphasia and they are so good to everyone...so again, thank you!

Now I have suppose I should start my homework (grade 5 and 6 levels now) - so I will write some more in at few days about the Glenrose!

#glenrose  #surviving  #brain injury  #stroke

I have been suffering for a couple of weeks now with feeling a little depressed since having the stroke.  Now I know, it's not as bad as some people that I have come into contact at the Glenrose, but sometimes (more often that not) I can't help but compare what I could do before the stroke to what I can do now...and it bums me out.

I know for a fact, right now, I can't go back to work in the old capacity I did before the stroke.  It really frustrates me!  Some people say "who cares, don't go back to work".  That's okay for them to say but I loved work and I loved the job as well...now I have to look for something different with less stress and something that takes into consideration that I can't talk as well or even type as well as I used to.

I am trying to look at things in a positive way, but some times it can be hard.  I see the doctor in the middle of June to get the final assessment from the Glenrose and that will be that.  I think it maybe just because it's been two years since having the stroke but with the reading I have done - the brain keeps healing and it will be longer that two years for me to get back to a semblance of "normal".

Now that's all I've got to say about that because I need to think positively to get back to the way I was before the stroke - upwards and on wards!👍

Bookkeeping Level I/II Complete!!!!

I have finished!!!!  Now, first off, I have to tell you that I was trained before the stroke, about bookkeeping, financial statements, trial balances and the actual entries to with respect to what makes up the process of bookkeeping.  I believed it would be good to take the course to see if I could "understand" it, since having the stroke.

I must say, it was a little difficult because of all the writing (because it is manual you have to write out the all the documentation), and my writing is not like it used to be, but I did okay.  The other thing is, I was so tired by the end of each day!  In the morning I was fine, but around 2:00 pm, it was very difficult to speak as far as what the journal entries were saying - that's because of trying to find the words to express myself.  So I need to look at other alternatives to explain things to people.  And again, in the afternoon, my actual writing was difficult to read because I was tired.

But on the plus side - I did remember all the things I did before the stroke at Midwest!!!!!!  I was sooooooo relieved!!!!  The students were very understanding and the course instructor was very good too.  

So, the next course I am taking, will be Quickbooks Level I/II, it will be a little easier because it is on the computer and not quite so much actual writing.  I will let all of you know how that one goes the first week of June!

Next week I start the course Bookkeeping Level 1 and 2 at Metro College.  I thought I should take it firstly, because I don't know if Acclaimed will have anything when I am ready to go back to work with them; and I also thought it would be good practice to see if I could focus on the course for a 6 hour day for all of next week.

I am really quite stressed about it but I never know unless I try!!!  So I won't be writing next week because of this and I'd also like you to think of me with this "new" course!!  I will write all about it after I am done ⌛.