Good Days and Bad Days

So I’m sitting here thinking about the last couple of months, and now I’m wondering "What I do now?".

I gave my notice at my job a couple of weeks ago.  There were a number of reasons - they were really very slow on getting me the new software we were going to be switching to; some people were really not very good when I would ask them about certain items; I couldn't get answers when I needed to get them - and so on.  BUT the most basic reason is because I couldn’t remember the basic things.  I had to ask the woman responsible for my training, time and again how do I do certain things.  Now I realize some people need reminders (and that's fine because we are all getting a little older 😉), but mine were different...I had to constantly ask “how do I find things; how do I do this again; how do I do the filing or how are things filed” and so on.   Everyday it was the same questions that I had to ask...I made the adjustments - taking notes, I took items and photocopied them so I would remember the next time (but the next time I had to ask again to get clarification), I constantly had to go back to the notes to find out how I did things and WHY I did them.  The last three weeks I was at the job, I had terrible migraines - and I had to miss one day because I couldn't even get out of bed.  I finally went to the doctor because I thought something was wrong...and really, it was from the work...it was too much for me to cope with.

It was frustrating for me to give notice and really there may be one or two friends but aside from them, only my husband and my kids know I am not working now (well until I publish this blog).  People who know me and know what I used to be able to do - it is embarrassing to tell them, "I can no longer do the things that I used to be able to do (without even thinking)".  Sometimes, I will admit, it is due MY OWN embarrassment and other times they don't really know what I am going through or sometimes they don't really know what to say to me to keep me "thinking positive".  I'm here to tell everyone (who reads my blog 👌)...IT'S OKAY!!!  Sometimes I get down on myself but I always come back (some days it can take a little longer than others).

Also, and I have to say this (because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, it REALLY wasn't the right fit for me😃!  There isn't any one thing that led me to giving my notice, and I want to thank the company for hiring me but the one thing I definitely need to do - IS FIND THE RIGHT FIT FOR ME.  So if that means I have to go through a number of job opportunities - well that's what I have to do.  I'm old enough (but not too old 😏), to know that what fits is the most important thing to me.  It's not the money, or where I think I should be at with my skills or anything else; I have to find the position for me that will challenge me and will make me feel like a productive team member!

I filled out the paperwork to receive my LTD benefits through Revenue Canada...I still have a couple things I have to get before I can sent them in but WOW...if you would have told me five years ago I would be looking at this...well I would have laughed at you...but you know...you can never guarantee anything in life...well except for birth and death (just saying 😏).  So now as I sit here and I have given this "secret" away, what do I do now, comes up (again).

I am still doing my workbooks at home because there is no way I am getting better without doing them (big deal Grade 6 now), and I am taking a couple of computer courses through the Edmonton Public Library (Excel and keyboarding and then I will take Excel II and Word through EPL as well).  But at the end of August I meet with my speech therapist, Meg, for the last time.  There is not much more for her to do, I've come as far as I can.

I did get accepted to go to The Brain Centre to meet once a month with the Women's Group, so that's good news!  I also have a number of resources to look into with respect to getting some more skills back i.e., Toastmasters; Stroke Recovery Association of Edmonton and there are a number of places that I can volunteer with (I just have to find the right group to go through).  I guess what I am trying to say, is I'm still working on my recovery, but I suppose everyone is working on something 😀!

Something to think about...

The Canadian Disability Tax Credit, WOW, who ever would have ever thought I (at the age of 51) would need this.  But that is what I did this week, I took it to my doctor to fill out so that Richard could apply for it on my behalf.  That is how much life has changed for me since I had the stroke.  I’m not going to go into all that because quite frankly, if your reading this, you already know and those who aren’t, well it doesn’t really matter to me.  Really, now I have to get used to THAT!

Now there are some good things (quite a few, actually) that have been going on as well.  I have an appointment with The Brain Centre with respect to my computer skills, hopefully they will be able to give me some “cheat sheets” that I can quickly look up things that I used to know in Word and Excel.  It is really difficult for me to “know” I used to be able to do something before the stroke but I can’t process step easily now.  I am still waiting for a callback from the Women’s Support Group at the Brain Centre but hopefully I should get a call in the next couple of weeks, it will definitely help me to get around people that have a brain injury and how they are coping with the difficulties now.

Another thing is that I have started a part-time, Accounts Payable Clerk position!  It really is nice to get back into the work-force.  Now, I definitely can’t go back to a full-time Property Manager, but this position will challenge me, and I have many years with budgets and all the stuff that goes with it, so I really think this is a great position for me right now.  The company is going to launch a new software system next month, and I’m looking forward to helping with that too.  I can only hope things will come back to me, although it may be slower that I’m used to…but that is okay with me, at least I am getting out there.

There are several things that I could be unhappy about, but I have to think ahead, and I would rather think of the “glass being half full” than thinking of the “glass being half empty”.  Also, there are a lot of things that haven’t changed, yes Allan Carr, I am sarcastic (when I choose to be) and really, I do love to laugh (at myself and others 😉) because life is really to short to do anything but look on the bright side!!

A New Position...

It's been about a couple of months now since I've written something here.   I did go to Houston to visit my friend, Sonia.  Also Ramona and Denise were there at the same time.  I was so very good to see all of them.  Ramona and Denise stayed for four days and I stayed for six days.  The weather was gorgeous and there were a lot of laughs while we were there.

I also did get a job with Veratis but before everyone get's all excited, I did give my notice for a couple of reasons, after about a month at it.  The first was I had to speak a lot the people and really that has changed since I've had my stroke.  It is very difficult at times, and with the problems I have finding words (yes, I even had a script to follow and I practiced it quite a lot), but really I couldn't get past it.  Also, I believe a different person would be better able to support the woman in charge.  But it was a good experience and I'm not going to find anything unless I get out there and try different jobs.

Now I started a part-time position with Raven Truck Accessories as an accounts payable clerk.  I believe this is the position for me...at least for now!!!  It is part-time, so I can keep seeing my therapist at the Glenrose; and I will also be able to go to The Brain Centre for some more courses.  I work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 9:00 am to 3:00 pm, which is perfect for me as well.  There isn't much telephone work, that is a good thing, again because I have a challenge with it sometimes.  They are getting a new software system in the beginning of May, and I will get all the training I need so I can be successful.  So wish me luck 😊.

There are things that are proving to be a bit of a challenge to me because of the stroke.  My language and math aren't where they used to be.  I know I have repeatedly told everyone on here, but it does frustrate me so very much.  I was looking on Pinterest and found the diagram at the start of this post.  These are the things I have trouble with and I will from now on.  Again, I think other people have a bit of trouble processing that I will never be the same person I was before I had the stroke, and that is very difficult for some people to get over.  But I can't help it, so I would hope that we can find some way for BOTH of us to adjust and continue on with this journey.

The one thing that this cartoon brought to my attention, was that I am aware of the deficits - sometimes I think it would have been "better" to have the stoke impact my Right CVA, because likely I wouldn't "know" about the deficits and really that would have it's advantage as well.  But you have to take was is dealt to you (I'm not going to get into THAT right now 😉).  But I am dealing with it, some times more positive that other times - but that's okay too!

Things Are Different Now

I have realized over the past couple of months, I have to accept life has changed for me (and for Richard Makarowski). It is coming up three years since I have had the stroke. When I think back, boy was I really quite silly to think, in a couple of weeks I'll be back the way I was before the stroke. I didn't realize (now you have to remember I couldn't walk, I couldn't get out more than a word or two and I couldn't even access my I-phone because I couldn't remember the password to unlock the screen), that it would take me this long to get back to some form or normalcy.

I really have to thank my family and friends for sticking by me (all of you), because I don't think I could have survived with out you. It is really difficult to say, but the past couple of months have been difficult because I really didn't want to talk to anyone and I certainly didn't want to have anyone over because I have change. I can't go back to the way I was before, because my mind doesn't work the same way. Gone are the days when I could figure out Excel spreadsheets, talk to people (because now I have to really think of the words I want to say), the typing is difficult because I really have to read the words to make sure they make sense. It has really changed everything for me.

I have to say thank you to Traci Camplin Christenson, because with out her, I wouldn't have been about to keep my Real Estate license, so THANK YOU 👍. I also have to thank the Makarowski's because without all of you, well I don't know what I would have done 😉. From all the travelling we didn't over the past couple of years, it was difficult for me to keep up but you guys were there to support me in any way you could. My dear sister-in-law, Rayan Makarowski, you came to our house for your treatment but I can't say enough, how much you helped me just by being here, I love you and you can stay anytime. Michelle Berg and Kimberly Schick-Puddicombe, the two of you have helped me with simply talking when I needed to (Kimberly Schick-Puddicombe had a brain injury too, so it was nice to chat with her because she actually knew what I was going through). Noreen Muth-Hayden, you helping me with the questions I had about becoming an independent contract (and I probably will still have questions 🙄). And I definitely have to thank Terry Churchill Makarowski, you are my strength when everything seems to be going no where (or really, really slow and when I just have to complain about everything without judging me 🙂).

I was at the Glenrose, with my speech therapist, Megan Petryk, and she said something that makes sense to me now, "I am not the only one changing, everyone around me has to accept I am different now. If they can't, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me, it just means they can't accept the way I am now, and that's okay too".

Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon and happy birthday to Jackson Makarowski (you definitely make me laugh, in a good way)!

It's Heart & Stroke Month

It is that time of year again, February is the Heart and Stroke funding campaign.  I didn't think much about it, before I had the stroke.  Now, it's a little different.  My husband will be out and about in our neighborhood to see if people will give to this cause, and I hope he does very well at it.

I know, there are a lot of charities that everyone gives to, so if you can, please remember this one when people come to your door to give.  That's all I've got to say 👍.

The past couple of month's have been some what difficult for me, because of a number of things.  But I'm really trying to make a difference; I am talking to people that I sort of cut out of my life for a bit; I am back on the hunt for a part-time job (so if you hear of anything...😉) and I am going down to Texas, in March, to see my friend, Sonia (Ramona and Denise are going down there as well).  I am also making a concerted effort to go for lunch or coffee with the people I was trying to avoid, due to my stroke.

I have to realize that yes, things have changed with me, BUT my friends are around me and I believe (actually I know 😮), I have told enough people about my stroke, the difficulties I have now and the fact that I have plateaued. Everyone just wants me to talk to them, if I am going through a tough time.  It is so important to keep the lines of communication open and that means through the good time 😊AND bad times 😟.  So if there is anyone that I have seemed to mistreat or I have seemed to "disappear" from, I am so sorry and I hope you can forgive me for not speaking or talking to you.

Another New Year!

Well, it's a New Year and I'm still recovering from my stroke.  I haven't written anything for the last two months.  There are a number of reasons, some involve other people and some were just me feeling down about plateauing in my recovery.  But again, this is a journey and I can't expect to be 100% with my moods all the time.  This may be a lengthy post, but there is really a lot to say.

I'm still not working.  That is quite depressing for me because a lot of myself was because of my work.  I loved being a Property Manager, and the fact is (at least right now), I can't go back into the field that I love so much. So I have to look for something that is rewarding for me AND something that doesn't cause me too much stress.  Sounds easy, right?  WRONG!!!  I have drafted (and redrafted and redrafted, again) my resume.  The problem is that I can't work very well with the public after about 2:00 or 3:00 pm, because I get tired and then I have a lot of trouble finding words.  That is a HUGE problem for me, because I enjoy working with the public.  Most people don't, but I do!  The funny thing is though, when I am at home, vacationing and things like that, I like my solitude 😊.  I like spending time by myself or with my immediate family.  I have a few friends, but there aren't a lot of people that I hand around with.  Now some people may say, "That's since you've had the stroke".  But it's not, I like doing things with a small group of people even before I had the stroke.

I really have to make an effort to keep in contact with people now, because it can be hard to find words and I really feel I don't have a lot to contribute because I am at home and most of my friends were from the office.  But I have to try, so this year, I am going to make the effort to speak to my friends on the phone and I will make the effort to go out to lunch/supper or even just a coffee to keep up with them.  Also, it can be hard because I was the one who supported people when they were feeling low and needed help with something.  It is hard when the shoe is on the other foot.  So I have to talk the them and explain when I am feeling down or discouraged, so that they can help.

I have finished all the courses that the Glenrose has to offer, so just before Christmas, I went to the Brain Care Centre.  Now most people won't think that's too big of a deal, but can I just say, it was a big deal to me.  It is a big deal because, and I have said it before, the stroke caused me to have a brain injury...it won't get better...and that's what I have to deal with now.  It has taken me a long time to actually admit it to myself.  The Brain Care Centre has a lot of options, so now I've had the initial interview and they will contact me this month to come in and get started (hopefully) on finding something in the "job world", that I can do.  I am really looking forward to meeting some more with them.  There are also other resources:

Canadian Council on Rehabilitation and Work (www.ccrw.org)
EmployAbilities (www.employabilities.ab.ca)
BGS Career and Corporate Development (Facebook BGSCareerandCorporateDevelopment)

Thank goodness for all of these because at least I know I have other places I can go to find something that I can do to get back into the work place.

So some of my "goals" for this New Year are to:

1.  Continue doing my "home work" at home to improve my skills (interpersonal and professional skills),

2.  I will continue (I have to get back into this once is warms up a little) to make the effort to speak to people, over the phone or in person, because it really isn't very good to keep to yourself too much,

3.  I will continue to look for a job, but I won't settle for just anything.  I want to work with the public in whatever way I can,

4.  And I will try (very hard 😏) to continue writing in my blog, even when I am feeling down or discouraged, because it is important that I continue in this journey and sharing it with anyone who wants to read it 👍!!!!

Well that's all for now, take care and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!