This is a post I have been putting off for a little bit now, mostly because I don’t like to admit to myself (or others) that there’s anything wrong.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way since the first day that I had the stroke.  But the fact is, I still have a long way to go (and quite frankly), I will never be the way I was before the stroke.  I don’t want to say I suffer from depression, because I don’t suffer from it all the time, but it comes and goes these days because I’ve hit a plateau with my recovery.

It is a lot to deal with, and I don’t like to talk about it with just anyone because every time I am feeling down and I do talk about it, the other person “looks on the bright side”.  There is NOTHING wrong with that, but sometimes, I think, you have to look at the facts and again, I will never be the same person I was before the stroke.  Now I think the “answer” to get through this is you have to go through the phases of grief before you can move on.

So that is why I am reading this book entitled, “The Grief Recovery Handbook”.  I got a copy because I read about it on a friend's posts.  Really, that has what has happened to me and I never really did “grieve” about it.  I was so focused on “getting better”, and now I am realizing you don’t get better from a brain injury – and that is something to grieve about.

I’m just trying to figure out where and how do I move on from this “head space”.  I really have to say (yes, again J), that you all have been wonderful with your comments and you support of me through this time in my life…so thank you so very much (and hopefully) I will come to accept what has happened and I’ll be back to the “hybrid” of me J.

Another long time since I've written in here.  Well I was employed for six weeks (yep, that's all), I gave my notice two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1.  Talking on the phone was challenging and especially later in the day;

2.  There wasn't much for me to do throughout the day, the work was off and on - I think it would have worked out better for me if I could have worked part-time;

3.  It really was too much for me since I've had the stroke (and that took me by surprise and it's discouraging for me to admit to myself and to all of you 😢).

Once I got in the position, it really became obvious to me that things really aren't the way they're supposed to be since the stroke.  I had to constantly write down EVERYTHING, because I couldn't remember simple things in Word, Excel, Access and even email. When my supervisor would show me something, I had to ask her again (and again, etc. - well you know what I mean).  This was very difficult for me because before the stroke people would come to me and ask me how to do things...now it was really difficult for me to even remember what I had to do.

So I've had to really think about what and how much I can do now.  The first thing is - really I can only work part-time because quite simply I get too tired and I can't focus on things later in the day.  The other thing is - I have to look for a job the doesn't require me to speak for a long period of time - again, my speech starts to slur and I can't find the words I need to, to communicate to others.

Again, I have a brain injury and life has changed drastically for me.  I thought it would go back to the way I was...I won't any more and I have to get used to that.  I have my husband and family around me...I'm so thankful of that.  But I can't sit at home because it frustrates me with the kids gone and there's only so much I can do around here.  So if anyone knows of something I could do i.e., volunteer work, working part-time in the morning...send me your suggestions...I could use them...

It has been a little while since I have blogged but there have been a few things going on and I believe I have to write about them.

I went for the psychology evaluation and I got the results back 😕.  I can't go back to work full time because I still have delays processing things and they want me to continue working with Megan for the aphasia.  BUT I can going back to work on a part-time basis, so that is really good.

Now I have been going to job interviews and I was offered one job, but I turned it down mostly because it was the first interview I went on and I hadn't checked out any others.  I have another job interview this afternoon, and I'm going to see what it's like.  I believe I am capable of working full time and I am going to see if that is true (so wish me luck)!

I have finished my High Level Aphasia so now I just have my one-on-one therapy sessions with Megan on Thursday.  I believe I will continue with them even if I have a job (well I'm going to negotiate that when I get a job offer 👍).  I am working really hard at the homework every day, the only way I am going to get better is to keep on working at things...and one of the things is this blog.

I can't believe it is August already, time sure flies.  We have a wedding in London, England and I would like to go to Brooks one more time before the summer is over (don't know when) and then it is September.  If I don't get the job today, I'm still going to search for something that I can do in property management.  I believe that is the best route that I should take mostly because I am familiar with it and there are lots of contacts I have to make sure I am successful.

(June 2015)

The first thing I have to do is thank everyone who came to see me in the Grey Nun's hospital after my stroke.  I couldn't talk very well (and I couldn't process many things in my head either), but I will NEVER forget people that came to visit me!  Even my friend Sonia flew here from Houston, Texas, because she had to see me for herself to make sure I was going to be okay.  So thank you!!!

I'm not sure exactly what date it was but I do know it was a Tuesday and I also know I got to have my first shower, ALONE, at the Grey Nun's hospital.  Now that may not seem like a big deal to any of you who haven't been in a wheelchair and before that, had no use of your right (or left) side.  It was amazing!!!!  The only "bad" thing about it, the bathrooms don't have any fans in side them in the hospital - so when I got out of the shower - I was so light headed!  I had to sit down in the wheelchair because I thought I was going to pass out.  But again - it was wonderful!!

Once I was showered, the nurse let me know I was going to the Glenrose for the next part of my rehab and I had about an hour to pack all my stuff up before an ambulance would take me there.  The nurse said they would take care of calling Richard and another nurse came in to help me pack.  My right arm was getting stronger but I couldn't pack very well - but I was ready to get out of the Grey Nun's and to get underway with my rehab.

Let me tell you - it was great to get outside (yes, even in an ambulance ride)!  I got to the Glenrose sometime in the afternoon.  I got into a private room for a couple of days because I had to meet with different therapists to map out what I couldn't do.  It was strange for the first night that I stayed there - because once I was in bed, there was an alarm that would go off when I had to get a drink or go the bathroom.  Now, I know why, but at the time I was quite puzzled by this.  Also, I was in a "locked" wing of the hospital.  Again, I didn't know then, but a stroke is a brain injury and it can hamper the way you look at things and how you process things (like getting back to your room after a day of therapies).

I had to always go out with one of my therapists for each session and they would return me back to my room after - I didn't realize I would get lost if someone didn't come back with me.  It was really like starting over from a beginner for everything.  I didn't need the wheelchair anymore, I graduated to a walker - so that was nice.  But I couldn't write anything so I had a bunch of photocopies that I could do with cursive writing techniques.  I finally got to go to my therapies by myself after one of my therapists took me around the hospital and asked me to find the cafeteria, the lobby, the physical therapists room and so forth.  It was great to go to my therapies by myself and I could get back to the wing I was in and everything.  It is really amazing the things that you take for granted because "that's just they way it is"...until you have to go back to the "beginning".

I had to go to a physical therapist so that I could use my legs properly.  Again, it's like starting all over again.  I would have to have a rope belt around my waist and the therapist would hold on to it so I wouldn't lose my balance.  But I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way - I NEEDED to  get back to way I was before the stroke - and that was that!

I had two different types of speech therapists that I would play games with like Scattergories and Scrabble.  It was very difficult because I could "see" the word in my head but I couldn't verbalize what I wanted to say.  It was going to take me a little longer (no, I didn't know I would still be struggling today - two years later).  This is something I still have to work on, make notes and I can't come down on myself when I get tired or I can't find the words I need to say (Aphasia 😉...I've used the word enough that everyone knows about it)!

Now again, I have to say, the nurses and all the therapist's were WONDERFUL at the Glenrose!!!  Even now, I am taking High Level Aphasia and they are so good to everyone...so again, thank you!

Now I have suppose I should start my homework (grade 5 and 6 levels now) - so I will write some more in at few days about the Glenrose!

#glenrose  #surviving  #brain injury  #stroke

I have been suffering for a couple of weeks now with feeling a little depressed since having the stroke.  Now I know, it's not as bad as some people that I have come into contact at the Glenrose, but sometimes (more often that not) I can't help but compare what I could do before the stroke to what I can do now...and it bums me out.

I know for a fact, right now, I can't go back to work in the old capacity I did before the stroke.  It really frustrates me!  Some people say "who cares, don't go back to work".  That's okay for them to say but I loved work and I loved the job as well...now I have to look for something different with less stress and something that takes into consideration that I can't talk as well or even type as well as I used to.

I am trying to look at things in a positive way, but some times it can be hard.  I see the doctor in the middle of June to get the final assessment from the Glenrose and that will be that.  I think it maybe just because it's been two years since having the stroke but with the reading I have done - the brain keeps healing and it will be longer that two years for me to get back to a semblance of "normal".

Now that's all I've got to say about that because I need to think positively to get back to the way I was before the stroke - upwards and on wards!👍

Bookkeeping Level I/II Complete!!!!

I have finished!!!!  Now, first off, I have to tell you that I was trained before the stroke, about bookkeeping, financial statements, trial balances and the actual entries to with respect to what makes up the process of bookkeeping.  I believed it would be good to take the course to see if I could "understand" it, since having the stroke.

I must say, it was a little difficult because of all the writing (because it is manual you have to write out the all the documentation), and my writing is not like it used to be, but I did okay.  The other thing is, I was so tired by the end of each day!  In the morning I was fine, but around 2:00 pm, it was very difficult to speak as far as what the journal entries were saying - that's because of trying to find the words to express myself.  So I need to look at other alternatives to explain things to people.  And again, in the afternoon, my actual writing was difficult to read because I was tired.

But on the plus side - I did remember all the things I did before the stroke at Midwest!!!!!!  I was sooooooo relieved!!!!  The students were very understanding and the course instructor was very good too.  

So, the next course I am taking, will be Quickbooks Level I/II, it will be a little easier because it is on the computer and not quite so much actual writing.  I will let all of you know how that one goes the first week of June!

Next week I start the course Bookkeeping Level 1 and 2 at Metro College.  I thought I should take it firstly, because I don't know if Acclaimed will have anything when I am ready to go back to work with them; and I also thought it would be good practice to see if I could focus on the course for a 6 hour day for all of next week.

I am really quite stressed about it but I never know unless I try!!!  So I won't be writing next week because of this and I'd also like you to think of me with this "new" course!!  I will write all about it after I am done ⌛.

This is what I feel like the "healing" is for me.  I shared this photo with the High Level Aphasia group.  Many times it seems like I'm not getting anywhere - like with the figuring of addition and subtracting fractions.  BUT just when I think I can't do it - it comes to me (now it took a long time but it did come).  I know the doctor's and Sunlife check up until 2 years after the stroke, but it will take me longer to get back to what I was (and even then...who knows if I will get back to the same person I was before).

I am not the same person anymore - I have a brain injury now and it's very different!  I am really comfortable in my own skin and I don't like to have a lot of people around me.  That's different than before the stroke (BS as I like to call it 😉).  Even with me writing this blog, some people that I knew BS, don't want to read it.  I think it's because if they read it, they will have to admit that there is something "wrong" with me and that makes them uncomfortable.  It's okay though, because I can't "control them" or what they think of me now.

It will change my life forever.  I'm trying to accept that what ever comes my way...I will be fine (at least I keep telling myself that).  I don't like having a lot of people around me and I really don't like to call attention to myself.  In the summer, I like to sit outside (on the deck) and read.  When Richard comes home, we eat outside (when the weather is nice) and then watch television or I read some more.  It's quite wonderful!

I know I have spoken about going to Switzerland, to the wedding in Ontario (about four months after the stroke) and then we went to Anaheim this last January.  I really want to say, it was wonderful going but it is quite stressful when I have to go anywhere.  We have another wedding in August in London (UK 😕) and I am really not looking forward to it.  I must say though, I am looking forward to seeing the family and such but it will be very stressful again and it makes me feel very self-conscious with talking and stuff.  Even with everyone "helping" me to get there and trying to make me feel comfortable - well you know.  I just don't like all the strangeness when talking to new people and I ALWAYS tell whoever that I had a stroke so they know there are some things that it takes me a while to figure out.

I have to say one thing though, the family and the extended family 💞 have been (and will continue to be) WONDERFUL!!!  They are very helpful when I have to travel and they always ask if I'm doing alright or if I need to rest a bit or whatever.

It still frustrates me because I can't do the things I could before the stroke 😞), and that isn't changing, at least in the near future.  So I have to manage with it and ASK when I don't understand something and I also have to ask the people around me (whether they are family, friends or strangers) when I need help.

(June 4 - 11, 2015)

So after I was admitted to the hospital (I'd say about the 2nd or 3rd week), Richard brought my I-pad and my I-phone to me.  He brought the I-pad for me to start reading books on it (I have my Kindle app) and Richard also downloaded "Drop Dead Diva" for me to watch.  He also brought me the phone in case I wanted to call any body.

Weeeeeeellllllll, can I just say, Richard had to take the security password off both of them, because I couldn't remember them because of the stroke.  I tried and tried, but the digits weren't coming back to me.  So once that was done, well another problem happened, I was looking through my texts on the phone and I couldn't remember over half of the people, where I knew them from or anything.  So I just put the I-phone away.  Also, I couldn't talk very well, so I didn't want to talk to people unless I could sit face-to-face so they could see me.

The I-pad was a really good relief because at the time, I had maybe 1 hour of therapy every second day so I had a lot of time to kill 😀.  I have to say though, I had to go over and over the episodes that I watched because it took me a lot of time to understand and digest what I had just watched.

Reading was terrible for the first 5 or 6 weeks after the stroke.  I had to have it extremely quiet because I couldn't focus on what I was reading if there was any kind of distraction to me.  Even when I started to read, it was like going back to the start of my reading "career" because again, I had to read things very slowly so I could understand the words and what was going on in the story.  Even now, I have to revert back to a dictionary quite often to look up words that I can't pronounce and to see what they mean.

That was and is probably one of the most frustrating things on a daily basis.  I read a number of books before the stroke and after, oh my goodness, it was so different now.  Before when I read, you know I could read a book probably every week, some times two books in a week.  Now it may take me up to two or three weeks to read just one book.  Even now, sometimes when I go to purchase another book that I've seen (one good thing about Kindle 😏), it will tell me if I have already purchase the book.  It's amazing but quite often now I don't remember reading the book so I go back to the Kindle and read it again.

The I-phone, well I've gotten better with it 😊.  But there are still some people that I can't remember but that's ok, I guess it will come back to me as I go through this process.  I use the Contact Names, I use the Calendar (a lot with all the therapies going on right now) and I use the Notes when I go to the Aphasia group with the notes I have to talk about.  I'm hoping that eventually the words will come to mind and I don't have to keep everything written down, but for now, it's how it has to be!

And to anyone out there, the other thing I did when I got home, was I purchased a "password" book so that I could write down all the passwords for anything on the computer (like Facebook, I-phone, I-pad, Pinterest, Google and everything else) just in case, you know?

I have traveled past this sign a few times over the past couple of weeks.  Now I know it is about speeding but there are a number of reasons a person can suffer a brain injury:  stroke or a heart attack can cause it, you can trip and fall and bump your head (it would have to be quite a bump though), skateboarding, a car accident (without speeding), skiing with a bad tumble, and I'm sure there are others that I can't think of right now.

I know, I have said it before, I have come a long way since my stroke, but there is still so much to learn again to even get back to half the skill I used to have.  I'm still trying to learn fractions, and that was really very simple to me before I had the stroke, typing and even printing takes a lot out of me because the right hand side is weak and I can't print or write very much because it makes me tired and I have to think did I use the right word to describe something.

If anyone had told me before the stroke, that I would have so much trouble trying to get back to where I used to be, I would have thought you were crazy.  I really don't like speaking very much to anyone, and only when I HAVE to.  I used to be the "life of the party" but now it is difficult and quite often I can't contribute "fast enough" so I just sit back and listen.  I don't like to go out with friends or even family, because again, it makes me tired trying to think of things to say and did I say them right.

I used to travel for work and for recreation, but it really takes an effort because I can get lost if I am traveling by myself and I don't like to hold people up but now I have hold them up because I can't get around as well.  It is very frustrating!  I don't even like to go to movies any more because people talking around me can often make me miss something in the movie and then I have to think about what I've missed.

As I sit here right now, I like it, because there is no one home right now and I can think about what I want to type without anyone rushing me and there isn't any background noise to distract me.  I can think of a lot of reason's from "before the stroke" but the one thing the stroke has taught me is that everyone should be patient and kind to other people - because not everyone can think like you do or do things as quickly as you can and you just never know why.

(June 1-7, 2015)

I went for a couple of tests this week to find out why I had the stroke.

First, can I just say, anyone who has been in the hospital for something like child birth or has some paralysis of some kind - it's really rough.  You have to rely on everyone around you, I mean EVERYONE.  When I think back now, I don't know how I came through it.  Mainly I think it's because you don't know, at the time, that you're not "normal", everything seems normal to you.

I had to wear a diaper (I know, GROSS!), because I couldn't get up and I couldn't feel when I had to pee (part of the paralysis).  Even eating - I couldn't "operate" the fork or spoon to feed myself.  I couldn't shower without the nurse's help (basically I sat in a wheelchair and the nurse would shower me).

That first weekend, my cousin Michelle, and my friend Sonia (she flew up from Texas to make sure I was okay), family and my bosses from work were there too.  Again, Sonia was crying when she first got to the hospital room (again, I didn't know "why").  Richard called Michelle after I had the stroke, and she was crying at work (we talked about it the weekend of March 26, 2017).  Something I can't comment on because I didn't "know" what was going on.

It's weird, but I remember when Keven and Tami (from Accliamed) were there.  Tami brought my paperwork for unemployment insurance and I remember thinking "well that's dumb, because I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks".  If I only knew!  Even now, two year's after, I still have a lot to do to get back to where I can do the things that I used to do before the stroke.  I guess the mind and body know what is best for me because again, all I wanted to do was sleep and recover.

At that time, my Auntie Joy, was in the hospital too - she had cancer.  Even though she was going through her own pain, she and I got to visit each other when someone could wheel my chair down to see her.  Auntie Joy was on the 4th floor too, just in a different section of the hospital.  My brother Keith came down to see me too (he and I are not that close) but he came when I had a test the next day, and I wasn't do very well because of the test.  When Keith came into my room, he came over the hug me and I started bawling.  It took me a while to compose myself.

I have to say, my friend Pam (Wood) Thompson, came to see me as well. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, but she came when she heard the news.  I also have to say, Pam is hilarious!!!  She knew just what to say to make me laugh when I needed it.  I can never repay her for the times she came to visit me at the Grey Nun's and the Glenrose!  I needed Pam to keep my spirits up!

The Chaplain, Brian Greenwood, came to talk to me at the Grey Nun's.  We were talking, while he was talking he said "oh you're Rae" and he made an "X" with his arms (it was something back in the day that my friend's used to do).  I felt bad because I knew I should know him from somewhere but I couldn't remember where from.  Again, it was something I couldn't remember no matter how I tried because of the stroke.  Now, I can remember, I was friends with Karen and Brian (I actually was the Guest Book attendant at their  wedding).  It bothers me a bit now, because I couldn't remember him when he came to talk to me.

#stroke #brain injury #greynuns

It has been a couple of weeks since I've written in here.  That's because of a few things that have been going on:

1.  Zach moved out last Tuesday, and the living/dining room was a mess because of all the boxes he was packing to go.

2.  I went to Brooks last weekend to visit Michelle, my cousin.

3.  I really didn't feel like writing anything because I was feeling a bit depressed or sad b,ecause it's taking me longer (a lot longer) to recover from the stroke than I ever thought it would.

Sometimes it seems like everyone around me doesn't see the disabilities like I do (and trust me - it is a brain injury I am suffering from now - and still recovering from...quite possibly for the rest of my life).  Everyone is cheering me on, or they say "you can't even tell you had a stroke".  All I can say to myself is "Yaaaaa right!"  But I'm not going to get into all that (right now at least 😮).

The one thing I did receive in the mail was our passports (Richard, Zach, Kennedy and me).  Now, before I had the stroke, it was really quite easy to get them - you just filled out the form, the passport office would received them, and then you'd receive them back in the mail - quite easy, right?!  Not any more!!!!

I had to really think about: was I putting everything in to the right place on the passport renewal info, I had to get the right addresses in the right spot, I had to get the positions right (for our jobs) in the right spot, I had to get the reference information as well in the right spot.  It wouldn't have taken me long (before the stroke) - but this time (after the stroke) it really took me a lot of time and effort to get all the information together.  The other thing was the writing - it took me soooooo long to write everything down because of my right side being "slower" than it was before.

One thing this disability, that I now have, has taught me is that no matter what, you have to keep trying when things look bad (or different than it used to look).  The "reward" of doing all the applications for the passport renewal is that WE GOT THEM!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!  They didn't come back looking for explanations or anything!  I also got them for 10 YEARS (which means I don't have to think of them until 2028 😀).

So even when things aren't going the way as I want them too, or if it seems it is taking me a bit longer that I think it should be going - there is always something positive in this recovery of mine!

(May 28 - June 4, 2015)
After I got a little bit of rest the night before, I woke up in the hospital room and Richard was on the phone with his nephew, Sean.  I looked around but that was all I could do.  My right-side was completely useless. I was paralyzed on my right side - I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom, I couldn't wash my face or hair, I couldn't change my clothes or anything like that.  It was so frustrating.  Plus I couldn't talk to let anyone know how I was feeling.

Ken and Terry came to see me at the hospital (again, I'm not sure of what time it was).  I think I said "Hi" or at least that's what it sounded like to me.  Terry was crying and I couldn't figure out why she was crying.  I couldn't say anything other that "hi" and I believe that shocked her.  We had been friends for over 30 years and I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move my right side and I couldn't comfort her that I would be okay (and really at that point, I didn't know that I was going to come out of it or in what capacity).  They would return on Sunday to see how I was doing.

Richard, Zach, Aaron and Kennedy were around on the weekend.  It's funny, because Zach is a worrier, Aaron keeps things to himself and Kennedy just had it in her head that "mom will be fine".  I'm not sure if I ever will be truly "fine" the way I was before the stroke, but at this point, I just wanted to operate my right side and I needed to speak words, not just "hi".

The first weekend at the hospital, the staff couldn't feed my anything other than "mashed" meat, potatoes and vegetables.  Because the doctors couldn't evaluate my swallowing and such until the following Monday. It was really quite gross!

I know people were reaching out to Richard to find out what was going on with me and how they could help.  He didn't really have any answers though, and Richard would have to wait until the weekend was over.

When Ken and Terry came back on Sunday to visit me, I guess I must have been saying somethings better, because Terry was a little more relaxed.  It frustrating even now to me, that I couldn't say more (it wasn't aphasia because I have to learn to talk all over again...like a toddler).  Plus the I still was paralyzed on the right side but that didn't seem to bother me as much as not being able to talk.

The next week, the days sort of blend in to one another. I was able to each small portions of food, and the doctor's sent me for a couple of tests to try to see why I had the stroke.  The doctor's said everything "looked all right".  So the next week, they would send me for some more tests.

People came to see me that first week, but really I couldn't understand and it was really quite tiresome.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  They say that is the body's way to recover and I had a whole lot of recovery to do.

The Day of the Stroke

I am going to tell you about the stroke from my perspective (the words at the beginning were written by my husband).  I am going to tell you what I was feeling when I first had the stroke and the days at the Grey Nun's Hospital and then at the Glenrose Hospital.  Some of the items I may be repeating because my husband wrote about them too.

May 27, 2015

It was a Thursday after work, my husband (Richard) and I had just finished supper and we went downstairs to watch something on television (we are in a split level house).  I was feeling totally fine up to that point.  As I was watching something (I can't remember what), I suddenly felt nauseous.  So I sat for a few minutes and when I didn't feel better, I thought I would go upstairs a lay down for a bit. Now I thought I had told Richard but as you can see by the words he wrote, I didn't say anything out loud to him. I walked up the first three stairs and then I fell down.  Weird, but I just thought I really must feel sick if I could trip on the stairs.

I finally got up to our room, but there was no way I could get to my side of the bed.  Again, another weird thing but I flopped horizontally across the bed, and I must have managed to slide over to my side and I closed my eyes.  I figured I would just need to sleep it off...what ever "it" was.

Now according to Richard, he came up to see where I was (because I didn't tell him anything).  He came in the room and asked what I was doing.  I THOUGHT (again, I thought I responded quite normally) "I have to sleep because I don't feel well".  As you can see by what Richard wrote in his post, it didn't come out right.  He asked me again, and I said again, "I don't feel well".  He then said I could to one of two things:

1.  I could get in the car and he would drive me to the Grey Nun's hospital, or;
2.  He would call an ambulance to take me there.

Wow, I thought for being sick with the flu or something like that.  I managed to get out the word "wait" and the word "no".  Richard said he didn't care, those were the only two things I had to choose between.  So I got on a pair of jeans (I never go out anywhere in my sweat pants 😉), and off we went.  The hospital is only about 10 minutes from our house so we got there right away.  Remember, I didn't know what was wrong at this point.

We went to the Grey Nun's Hospital Emergency Room and I sat down while Richard talked to the nurse.  Then I heard him say, "I think my wife is having a stroke".  I was sitting there and thinking to myself, "Oh great, is he going to look like over-protective husband when the nurse checks me and sends me home because I've got the flu".

The nurse came around the partition, and said to me, "Can  you squeeze my hands as tight as you can".  I thought I squeezed them both very tight, but again, my right side was getting weaker now, and it just slid down her hand.  The nurse said "You're right, she is having a stroke.  You get her checked in and I will get her to do a CT scan".  This whole time, I'm thinking you both are going to looked dumb when a doctor comes and says she just has the flu.

I don't remember much at that point, apparently I got to the hospital in time for them to give me the tPA (tissue plasminogen activator), which would help me after the stroke (you can only have it if you have a ischemic stroke within 3 to 4 hours after the stroke).  Then the nurse said they are getting a room ready for me.  During the time I was having the needle, Richard called all three of my kids (Zach 22, Aaron 22 and Kennedy 19).  I must have been dozing on and off, because the next thing I remember is my oldest son, Zach, being there.  Now again, things were very different for me because, it seemed like Richard and Zach were having an argument.  Richard told me afterwords they weren't arguing at all.  Zach was telling Richard that he should have called the kids right away because they all should have known and Zach would have come down immediately.  I remember they were talking and it seemed so loud to me.

By this time, it must have been about 11:00 pm, Aaron and Kennedy got there.  Again, I could hear them talking and such, but I couldn't talk back to them.  The nurses got me to a "stroke" room right across from the nurses' station on the 4th floor.  That night, I didn't get very much sleep because the nurses had to check on me every hour to make sure I was awake and to see if I could answer any of their questions, since I wasn't talking at that time.  Also I totally lost all feeling and senses on my right side.  I couldn't walk and my right arm was useless at my side.  And still, I didn't think I had a stroke, I just thought...I don't know what I thought.  It's very weird even now, almost two year's later, it's like everything was so loud but there is a peace as well because it was almost like I was observing outside of myself, what was happening to me.

I am going to separate the posts about the initial days because this will take a bit to remember and I want to include as much as I can from the days at the Grey Nun's and the Glenrose.

This is from the book "My Stroke of Insight - A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey" by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

I just started reading it yesterday and it's really quite good!  There are some things in the back of it, in the Appendices, that are really helpful to me as a stroke survivor and to the people around anyone who has a brain injury.  There are 40 things listed and the one that speaks the most to me is number 37:

"Love me for who I am today.  Don't hold me to being the person I was before.  I have a different brain now."

I can't say it much clearer that that.  I am different now (some people will say I am much more relaxed about everything...I don't know if that true 😏).  But thankfully, I am getting better and can think more clearly and I can verbalize things a lot better than I could a year or two ago!

Well I have been going to all my therapies since January and it is going well. I was at one on Monday and something came up because I can't do math very well and the aphasia is getting better but it is still a struggle in the afternoon when I have to make calls and things like that.

So the question was to me, what do you see yourself doing if you can't go back to the work I did before? Wow, I never thought of that! I'm reading a book, "Tell Me Everything You Don't Remember - The Stroke That Changed My Life", the author took eight (yes I said EIGHT) years for her recovery. She was a writer. Eight years...and I'm in my second year since having a stroke. It's something I have to think about. I never thought I wouldn't go back to work in the position that I had before I had the stroke, wow.

So now I have been thinking of other things I could do (because I'm not cut out to sit at home) so what can and should I do?

So I'm asking all of you, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Or if you could do something else besides what you are doing right now, what would it be? I'm looking for suggestions of things that I would be good at, and considering the items I have to get better at (math, typing and the whole aphasia thing). Any suggestions from anyone would be appreciated!

And thank's so much for following my journey since the stroke, you have ALL made a huge difference to me while I am getting better!

#working after stroke  #rehab

This is a tattoo I have on my left shoulder (I am the hero of this story). I got it a few years ago, but it means more to me now since I've had a stroke. I'll tell you why...

I went a couple of weeks ago to Anaheim and to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I love Anaheim and Richard and I went the October after I had the stroke but we didn't go to Disneyland because I couldn't walk very well and I didn't do very good with crowds back then.

This time we went with the Makarowski"s. It was a surprise for Ken, but Pat traveled from Switzerland for his 50th birthday...an I must say...he was very surprised!

We spent 3 days at Disneyland and California Adventure and 1 day at Universal Studios...it was FABULOUS! They were long days and later on during the days, I could feel myself slowing down a bit and I could also feel my right side dragging down a bit...but you know what? I did just fine. If I could not keep up, that's fine, I kept all the people in-sight and caught up to them at the next ride. I must say though, I slept really hard when we got back to the house we rented 😀.

So I think about our trip when I don't think things are moving as quickly as I think they should be moving, and regardless of how I'm feeling, I have come a long way in the past two years and I can only get stronger and my mind will catch up if I keep working on things!

So I would remind anyone who has some sort of disability (physical or mental) keeping working, you are the hero of your story!